Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Tag Line: None. Kindle book.From the Back of the Book: Scarlett Rose has just had the night of her life - seven sexy cowboy brothers rescued her from danger after she was pushed off a cliff's edge by someone she trusted. Problem is, Scarlett has developed amnesia from the trauma and can't remember anything about the accident, including the mystery villain. And before she's even gotten a chance to recover, she finds out her new lovers are Texas longhorn shape-shifters claiming to be her destined mates. Now the twins and triplets must go off for a weekend, leaving her with the two oldest Lenox brothers, Leo and Byron. Leo is in charge of the Lenox family, and now, for the weekend, he's in charge of Scarlett. She's thrilled to learn a few lessons from the alpha, as together they explore another layer of Scarlett's newfound sexuality.
I'm sorry, but this cover is ridiculous. Those guys don't even look real and why don't the identical twins and triplets look alike? Does the cover artist not know what identical means?
This book was published in 2011 and this was my first reading - although one detail in here was horrifyingly familiar to me from my years on the Amazon Romance Forum (now defunct).
Previously at the Ranch...... We met
seven Longhorn-shifting cowboys living on a ranch in Knotty Texas and
their beautiful, amnesiac mate. After the brothers rescued her from
the cliffs and a pack of javelinas, she was educated into the ways of
their people. She learned that they sprout horns when they
get....ahem...excited...and they're intensely turned on by the color
red. As their mate, she can leave any time she pleases and go on
with her life just fine but they will literally die without her and
can never love another. After accommodating all seven of them in a
scene that haunts me to my very soul, she was revealed to be the
“Strawberry Girl” which means that her children will not be
doomed to be shifters. At the end of the first installment, she
finds a note warning her that her doom is still impending.
Our Barnyard Beasties:
Scarlett – our plucky
protagonist. She has no idea who she is or where she came from but
she knows someone is trying to kill her. She just turned 21 and she
apparently loves cows.
Leo (AKA Dr Moo) – a licensed
physician who is 20+ years older than our protagonist. I don't know
what color his cow is.
Devlin – a “dom” with a
bad attitude. He makes his living as a rodeo bull. He's a black and
white cow.
Denzil (or Denzel depending on
Newmar's mood) – Devlin's identical twin. I think he takes the
others to the rodeo? And trains them? {{Shrug}} He's really sweet and gentle. He's also a black
and white cow.
Rhett, Sonny and Levi
– the identical triplets. They also compete in the rodeo for a
living. Sonny is super optimistic and Rhett is super....ahem....horny. I have no real grasp on Levi and that is NOT a euphemism. They are all red cows.
Byron – works in the Animal
Husbandry area of the farm (I think this means he makes baby cows for
a living). He's a blue cow. Which is actually a color of black. He
has a love/hate relationship with Scarlett and he's kind of tortured about the entire shifter existence.
Alisa – wants Scarlett dead.
Mother - a mysterious woman from Little Russia
On Today's Episode of The Bold and the Bovine.....
The book begins with Scarlett crying in
Devlin and Denzel's arms. I guess we're going with the "el" spelling for awhile here. {{{shrug}}} They're getting ready to leave and she's
sad to see them go. Devlin tells her that he feels like a piece of a
person now because he's going to miss her so much and then he stomps
away and slams the door.
Just to review, she met these guys 24
HOURS ago. We're told this extreme, immediate attachment is because they are "mated" but still.......24 hours.
Denzel cups her face and says “My
heart will refuse to beat until I'm back in your arms.” This
sounds like a serious medical condition to me and I think he should
consult Dr Moo about a pacemaker before he drops dead. He says
goodbye by dropping to his knees and taking a huge whiff of
her.....ahem....essence. Apparently this is how shifters say goodbye
to their mates. {{{shudder}}} Except none of the others got up close and personal with her kitty before they left. Rules are rules, Newmar. If you're going to introduce them, follow them.
The boys are going to resign from the
rodeo in Houston and then pick up more livestock to bring home. I
guess it's a good move on their part because they haven't been
training AT ALL since they met her. Then again, that was only 24
hours ago so I guess they aren't too out of practice. I keep forgetting.
The triplets come to say goodbye as
well. They promise her lots of gifts when they get home and then
they leave with the twins. Scarlett leans against the door sobbing
her guts out at the fact that they'll be gone....FOR A DAY. Which I
guess is as long as she's known them so it's practically forever.
Dr Moo struggles with her tears. He hates
it when she's sad and vulnerable. He reaches out to hold her and as
soon as he does, his sail is at full mast, if you know what I mean.
He's a little hurt that she doesn't mention it and seems to take it
as an insult to his size. Leo explains that this extreme emotional
reaction is normal with shifters and their mates. They feel
unbearable pain when separated. Then he points out that the triplets
and twins feel it about a hundred times worse than she does and that
breaks her heart and makes her cry harder.
Scarlett tearfully asks him for a
grilled cheese and some tomato soup and he tells her he'll do
anything for his “baby girl”. It's a little squicky since he's
legit old enough to be her father and this book really didn't need
any more squick.
Chapter Two lands us in an unfamiliar
head. Our host is named Charlie Rose and I think he might be
Scarlett's dad. He's talking to the account manager of his public
relations firm about a rapper they're representing when his nurse
shows up for a home visit. The nurse, Todd, has some
concerns. He's worried that the account manager might have the hots
for Scarlett and he doesn't want to see the girl get hurt. I thought
he might be Prince Whoever in this Snow White monstrosity but Charlie
tells us that Todd is gay so I guess not.
Todd mentions that Alisa's mother Dasha (Mother from Little Russia in the previous book) has arrived to help plan Alisa and Charlie's wedding. There's a 50
year age difference between Alisa and Charlie which makes her about
Scarlett's age. Alisa's Russian and he met her through a mail order
bride agency. Dasha is in her 40's which makes her about 30 years
younger than Charlie. He tells us that Dasha is young enough to be
his granddaughter which.....isn't remotely right, Newmar. She's
young enough to be his daughter and Alisa is young enough to be his
granddaughter. Math is hard, y'all.
Alisa has told Charlie that Scarlett is
away on business and she pretends that Scarlett is checking in on a
regular basis. Charlie is proud of his go-getting daughter. If only
he knew what she was getting these days. It should come as no
surprise that Alisa and her mother are plotting to get their hands on
Charlie's money. She's talked him out of a pre-nup and arranged for
Scarlett's death and she feels like she has everything ready.
We land back in Scarlett's head. She's
moping over her soup and her pimento grilled cheese which sounds
absolutely disgusting. Leo tells her that he needs to spend some
time in the office that afternoon and she assures him that she'll
survive. She settles in to watch Gone With the Wind while he's gone
and she's reassured that some of the actors look familiar. She hopes
that means her memory is coming back.
Eventually Leo comes home to collect
her for a surprise. His eyes are glowing orange and she knows that
means he's....well.....about to sprout some horns if you know what I
mean. It turns out he intends to teach her how to shoot a rifle and
why this turns him on I'll never know. He runs through a set of
instructions for her but she's too busy thinking about what she'd
like him to do with his own personal rifle to listen. When it comes
time for her to actually shoot the weapon, she has no idea what to
do.
Scarlett tells Leo that she can't shoot
and he actually starts shouting obscenities at her. He tells her
that she can do anything she puts her mind to and that's all well and
good but she doesn't actually know HOW to shoot the damn gun. When
she hesitates again, he rips off his hat and threatens to spank her
until she cries unless she fires the damn thing.
So I pretty much hate Dr Moo now.
Scarlett turns out to be the perfect
shot which confuses the hell out of her. It turns out Leo has
Googled her and she's an Olympic shotgun shooter. I'm pretty sure
that not the actual name of the event but I could be wrong. She's so
happy that he bullied and threatened her into shooting a weapon that
she decides to show his own weapon some love. I wish she'd bite it off instead.
We timehop to later that evening. Leo
is back in his office working again. He's downing painkillers and
liquor which seems like a lethal combination to me when Scarlett
knocks at his door. She's wearing a white button-down shirt with a
black tie and her hair is in pig tails. She tells him she has a boo
boo from jumping rope and she needs him to kiss it and make it feel better. I'll
let you just imagine where the boo boo is.
Hint: It's not her elbow.
He sprouts horns while he's ringing her
cow bell (if you know what I mean) and she just basically uses them
for handles. It's.....so bizarre.
I have to skip two entire chapters here
but it's not near as traumatizing as what I read in the last book.
This is all pretty straight forward but graphically described. Oh, and it takes place on his exam table and makes use of the stirrups. SUPER sanitary.
The recap picks back up with Scarlett
sweeping the floor the next day. The twins and triplets will be back
around midnight and she wants them to come home to a clean house.
Leo is in town getting groceries and Byron is asleep in his room.
She's been given an alarm to press if she's in any danger that will
wake him up.
Someone knocks on the door and she goes
to look. It's a middle aged woman holding a picnic basket in her
hands. My guess? The wicked witch with the poisoned apples.
Or a
Russian lady selling sex toys. Same same.
Scarlett opens the door a bit, leaving
the chain on. The woman asks to come in so she can show Scarlett her
line of “love enhancers” but Scarlett has been instructed
not to let anyone in. The woman pulls a bottle out of her basket and
tells Scarlett that it's a lubricant that tastes like “circus
candy apple”. She invites Scarlett to give it a taste.
Scarlett puts some on the back of her hand and then licks it off.
Almost immediately her throat closes up and she passes out,
convulsing on the floor.
We jump into Byron's head. He's woken
up by intense pain and knows immediately that there's something wrong
with Scarlett. Byron isn't a man who panics but there's a first time
for everything and he goes tearing through the house screaming her
name. He finds her unconscious on the floor and thinks she's dead.
All he can think about is how he'll have to kill himself now to spare
him the pain of trying to live without her because shifters can't
exist without their mate.
Leo has also felt the pain and he's
racing home. He reaches the house as Scarlett begins to throw the
poison up. He orders Byron to bring her to the clinic and he shifts
so he can run ahead and find the antidote.
We timehop and headhop. Scarlett is
waking up, surprised to see Rhett leaning over her. He immediately
gets frisky and she isn't complaining but it pisses Devlin off. He
grabs Rhett and throws him across the room saying that Scarlett was
just poisoned and now is not the time to plow her fields if you know
what I mean. Devlin tenderly calls her “kitten” and asks how
she's feeling. He almost makes me like him again but I refuse. I
remember!
The others all come in the room for
their hugs and now I'm concerned. This is looking bad for me, y'all.
Sure enough things start to get a little friendly and the horns
start sprouting, literally and metaphorically. They decide to give
her a massage but they don't massage her with their hands. I'll just
leave that right there for you to figure out. It has to be the
stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life and mind you that there's
six of them doing this at one time so you know they have to
be.....bumping into each other. {{{Shudder}}} And how effective of a massage is this? I mean, at best they're just rubbing themselves over her which sounds like way more fun for them than her. It's not like they're kneading out any kinks (NOT a euphemism!) or alleviating any aches here. So basically she's laying there being rubbed by six cucumbers and this is supposed to be sexy.
So far Byron has never been part of
this group play and that just makes him my favorite right there. He stays in a chair across the room ringing his own cowbell and feeling guilty about being asleep when she was poisoned.
They all enjoy her at once again. Devlin gets her feet which is just odd. He really drew the short stick this time and that was NOT a comment about his size. I have to skip pretty much all of this
but I do want to mention that these boys possess the incredible
talent to isolate their shift. Meaning they can just shift one body
part without shifting the rest. In Rhett's case, he shifts his
tongue.
Yeah.
Have you ever seen a cow tongue?
Ridiculously long.
{{{shudder}}}
After they all.....finish....Scarlett
has another vision. This time she sees a truck and a sculpture. She
describes the sculpture to them and Denzel recognizes it at being in
a gallery in Dallas. She's eager to go check it out and Rhett
volunteers to drive her there the next day.
We hop into Alisa's head. She's
satisfied that Dasha has killed Scarlett and her plans will go off
without a hitch. Todd is apparently in on it. He's not gay after
all and he's definitely not the Prince Whoever of the story. He's
the woodsman. We learn he tried and failed to kill Scarlett but
they're all convinced that the poison candy apple lube did the job.
I can't believe I just typed that
sentence.
The book ends with Scarlett and Rhett
preparing for their trip. I'm sure I'll buy the next one eventually
but I have no idea when it will be.
Is it just me or was this book a little
less absurd than the first one? I mean, dialogue wise. The first
one was full of stupid, awkward phrases and this one seemed less
idiotic. Maybe it was a fluke. I kind of hope so.
I'll never be able to look at stirrups again, y'all.
No comments:
Post a Comment