Hard as Wood by G. M. Fairy

 **This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities. It is meant to be read by adults only.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.

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Book Description: Clara has always had a soft spot for puppets, especially Pineo, the charming wood man her father carved when she was just a girl. But when a wish on a star brings Pineo to life – as a full grown man – Clara’s world turns upside down. Now, navigating his new human desires, he’s determined to win Clara’s heart, but the world throws obstacles in their way, making them wonder if they’ll be enough for each other. Clara and Pineo must saw through their fears to accept the true love granted by the stars.

This book was published in 2025 and this is my first time reading it. I’ve read G.M. Fairy before but I can’t remember if I blogged the swamp book or if I just read it in my spare time. I definitely DNFd the Veggie Tale smut book though. I’m not sure what to expect with this one.

The author provides trigger warnings on their website. They include mature themes, voyeurism, oral sex and unprotected sex with “an impossibly long wooden penis”. So there you go. I’ll add more if I think we need them.

We begin with Clara at some kind of market. It’s really busy and she’s getting elbowed and pushed around. She tells us that she’s always invisible in a crowd because she’s super itty bitty. Finally she gives up and decides to do the rest of her errands on a quieter day. She heads home through the woods. Home is a small cabin built by her late father. It’s absolutely full of puppets.

Clara tells us that the puppets are her only friends and she spends all her time taking care of them and knitting them clothing. Her father made them and since he died five years ago, they’re all she has. Her favorite is a boy puppet named Pineo. Her father made Pineo when she was five and put on plays for her where she was the princess and Pineo was the prince. She still thinks of him as her prince to this day.

Clara has never had a boyfriend and has never been kissed.  She wants to change that but she can't just go kiss someone that she has no romantic feelings for.  Pineo catches her eye and she notices how handsome he is. She takes him off the shelf and gives him a kiss.

Does that mean she has romantic feelings for a puppet?

Um.....

Clara puts Pineo back on the shelf and then goes to stand at the window.  There's one star in the sky that's brighter than all the others so she makes a wish on it for Pineo to be real.

We hop into Pineo’s head the next morning. When he wakes up, he notices that everything is out of proportion. All the things that used to look so big to him now look small. We learn that he’s been sentient since his creation but he has no idea if the other puppets are as well because they can’t communicate with each other. He feels possessive over Clara and hates the idea that the other puppets might feel the same.

Pineo feels something flutter against his face and he brings his hand up to brush it away. That freaks him out because he’s never been able to move before. He screams and then Clara wakes up and screams too. He jumps to his feet and declares that he will protect her. She yells at him to get out of her house. Then she hits him with a pillow.

She couldn’t come up with a better weapon than a pillow? This bitch would never survive a horror movie.

Pineo is shocked to find that he’s grown very tall and still pretty stunned that he can move. Clara abandons her pillows to come closer, sensing his confusion. She looks at him intently and realizes he’s Pineo. He immediately scoops her up in his arms and spins her around. She touches his neck and his face and notices that he’s still made of wood somehow.

So…..he’s not human. He’s just a human-sized walking, talking puppet?

Pineo floats the theory that her wish brought him to life and she’s delighted. She says he’s her “prince charming come to life”. He instantly kisses her.

They make out for a few minutes and then Clara pulls away to ask him if he watched all those nights when she “touched herself, down there” and when she “would cry out in pleasure”.

Lady, there could be 30 sentient puppets watching you tap dance Swan Lake on your clit every night but you’ll never know because they’re trapped in bodies that don’t move with painted on mouths that can’t talk. 

He lies and says ‘no’ even though it was his favorite part of the day. She looks disappointed.

The next sentence….well, it’s this: “My plaid pants tent, growing tighter until something bursts through the seam”.

Did her dad give the puppet a dick?

That’s….odd.

Nevermind. I guess he didn’t because Pineo tells us he didn’t have a penis as a puppet but he as one as a human.

First, you aren’t human. You’re made of wood. Your face is still painted on. Your hair is still fake. Second, how do you even know what a penis is???????????

Pineo asks: “Do they usually grow when you tell a lie?”

😶

Fuck, if that was the case every man out there would put the book boyfriends to shame.

Clara asks if he lied and Pineo admits that he watched her do the solo tango and he enjoyed it immensely. She’s thrilled.

So….um…..Pineo’s billy club (if you know what I mean) starts leaking a substance that Clara investigates and determines is maple syrup.

Clara instantly gets to her knees and starts to….ahem….obey Obama (if you know what I mean). Pineo decides he loves his penis. When it’s over, he hugs her and thanks her. He says if people knew what kind of skills she had “they’d be lining out the door for your blow jobs!” She’s flattered but tells him that BJ’s are only for special people.

Or puppets apparently.

Pineo leads Clara to the bedroom so the other puppets can’t watch. They get into bed and he touches her. He asks her if it feels good and she says it does. He says: “It feels good for me too. I think that sticky stuff might erupt from me again.”

How romantic.

Clara thinks it’s hot so I guess that’s all that counts.

They don't actually get to any....ahem....penetrative stuff but they both have a good time.

We’re back with Clara. They both fall asleep after the shenanigans. When she wakes up, she’s alone in the bed. She starts to cry, thinking it was all a dream. Then she hears someone moving around in her kitchen. She goes to investigate and finds Pineo cooking breakfast. Well….he’s trying. He put eggs in the pan but he didn’t turn on the stove. Clara wants to take him into town to get some new clothes for him and to have breakfast.

So you're just going to leave the eggs in the pan to go bad?  These people are monsters!

Pineo causes a stir in town, naturally, and people keep stopping them to ask questions. Clara is annoyed when the women in particular keep touching him. Clara worries that Pineo won’t want her now that he knows there are other options.

Back with Pineo. People follow them all the way back to Clara’s cabin. Clara is clearly upset but won’t tell Pineo what’s wrong. She shuts herself up in the bedroom saying she’s tired and needs a nap. He can hear her crying but the door is locked. He blames himself, thinking he caused her shame with his appearance. He decides the best thing to do is leave for her own good.

I swear to Scrub Daddy, I hate the "for her own good" trope more than any other one.  It's so asinine.

Back with Clara. She feels bad for shutting Pineo out. He’s asleep by the fire so she crawls onto his lap, snuggling close. He snuggles her back until he wakes up fully and then he moves away from her. She apologizes for getting upset. He apologizes for embarrassing her in front of the town. Then he says she’ll have a better life without him. She immediately assumes that he doesn’t want to be with her and he’s using this as an excuse.

THIS IS SO ANNOYING!!!

Ahem.

Sorry about that.

She asks him if he wants to leave and he says he does. His penis grows to impossible lengths because he lied.

Sigh.

This is so stupid.

She realizes he’s lying and just starts….ahem…..polishing the banister (if you know what I mean). Girl, you need to at least ask first.

Um...then we get this (I’m so sorry): “I want your wooden balls to burst inside of me. I want you to coat my insides with your maple syrup come.”

He worries about hurting her since lying made his dick SIX FEET LONG. She says they’ll figure it out because she’s horny. SIX FEET, CLARA!  USE YOUR BRAIN!  She thinks almond oil will fix everything.

They get started and he's having issues getting his prairie dog in the hole (if you know what I mean) because it's so hard to maneuver from six feet away.  I’m so glad I can’t picture this in my head. I’m sorry if you can. Luckily some kind of magic makes it so he returns to normal size as he pushes in. Like one of those collapsible telescopes I guess.

They finish and say “I love you” to each other and then suddenly Pineo is flung into the air. A fog covers the room. When Pineo emerges from the fog and makes it back to the ground, he’s a real human.

The book ends with them declaring their love and vowing to be together forever.

That was a weird one. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the collapsible wooden penis. I’ll never be able to look at one of those telescopes the same way again.