Loving Scarlett (Book 1) by Lola Newmar

**This blog contains adult language and discussion of...ahem....adult activities.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you're prepared to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.

Tag Line: None

From the Back of the Book: After a traumatic and mysterious fall off a cliff, which results in amnesia, twenty-one-year-old Scarlett Rose is saved by seven, sexy cowboy brothers.  Frightened and disoriented, her confusion peaks when she immediately feels an inexplicable, intense attraction to the beautiful strangers, including a doctor, a mysterious nightshift ranch hand, a set of triplets and a set of twins!  Scarlett's reality receives another sucker punch when she discovers her heroes are actually Texas longhorn-shifter cowboys who claim she is their destined, life-long mate.  The Lenox brothers have waited their entire lives to find the one woman they were born to share.  Their newly discovered mate exceeds their wildest dreams.  She's gorgeous, witty, and her blood-red lips drive their bulls wild with passion.  But this Texas yellow rose has thorns.  She demands outside contact but the men insist on protecting her from the mysterious person who hurt her.  They decide the only way to get their stubborn mate to stay is if they make sure she never wants to leave.

How's that for a cover?  Not what we're used to, huh?

I know what you're thinking.  ANOTHER blog?  You can blame this one on my husband. He REALLY wanted me to recap this absurd book and I couldn't put it on any of my other blogs. So here we are......  I don't know how often I'll post here.  I guess when I find an absurd shifter book to share with y'all.  This one will probably take the prize as the most absurd of all, though.

Before we begin I should mention that this is not going to be a complete recap. What I have here is book one of a six book serial and this is the ONLY one I'll be reading. So you guys are going to be left hanging. I know it will be tough to go on with your lives, but please try.

This book was published in 2011 and this was my first reading although I've heard LOTS about it over the years.

We begin with our protagonist waking up in the woods. Except a paragraph later it's the bottom of a cliff. Then two paragraphs later she's on the side of the cliff. This is not a good beginning, y'all. Newmar already can't keep track of her story and we're on page one. Our protagonist doesn't remember her name or how she got to the cliff or how she fell over it. She takes stock of her outfit, thinking it might hold some clues. She's wearing black leather stilettos, fishnet stockings, a short skirt and a sleeveless top. From this she declares that she's some kind of “professional”.

I'm not arguing with you, darlin', but I don't think you're the kind of professional you think you are.

She doesn't have any ID but she DOES have a very helpful locket with the name Scarlett Rose spelled out in tiny rubies. She decides this is her name. She can see a ranch in the distance with a two-story “Southern plantation house” and she decides to head that way to find help. She can see a man way out yonder on top of a black horse. Somehow, even though she can barely see him, she can tell he's shirtless and ripped. He's herding four cows: three red and one black/white. Trust me, this is going to be important.

We now land in the head of the black/white cow. Yeah, you read that right. We're in the head of a COW. A male longhorn to be specific. His name is Devlin and he's pissed off to be “training” on a Sunday when he could be watching football and drinking beer.  As cows do.  His twin brother Denzil (whose name is later spelled "Denzel" to my eternal frustration) is in human form on the horse and he prods Devlin and tells him to jog around the ranch to warm up and then join the triplets. It turns out the boys are going to be in a rodeo the coming weekend and Devlin is “the bull to beat”. Yes, dear reader, our heros in this book are cows and not only are they cows but they're cows that get ridden by cowboys at rodeos.

Seeeeeexy.

The three red cows are the triplets: Rhett, Sonny and Levi. They're just hanging out eating hay and Devlin's a little pissed. He uses his hoof to kick dirt at Denzil and Denzil tells him he's the only cow he knows that lives on a luxury ranch and still finds a reason to be grumpy. That's the weirdest sentence I've ever written on a blog in my life, y'all.

Devlin sees something glinting on the side of the mountain and realizes that there's a woman climbing down it. She has a bright red streak of blood on her arm and as soon as he sees red, he goes charging off towards her because his “inner beast” has taken over. Denzil sees him and chases after him. Devlin doesn't care. All he can think about is red and getting to the woman. As he runs, he gets a whiff of her and knows instantly that she's their mate.

Yeah, you read that right. THEIR mate. You're reading a recap of a book about seven shape-shifting cows who share ONE woman.

We hop back into Scarlett's head. She's made her way to the bottom of the cliff and she's suddenly accosted by four javelinas with murder on their mind.

What the fuck is a javelina?

Okay, I Googled for us. This is a javelina.

I'm just sitting here wondering if these are secondary characters. They could be people for all I know.

I hope they aren't though, because Devlin arrives on the scene, sees his “mate” being threatened and kills him a bunch of javelinas. Scarlett is freaked the fuck out and goes running. She doesn't get very far. She's had a hard day and she passes out just in time for Devlin, now in human form, to catch her up in his manly arms.

We hop into Leo's head now. He's a doctor in human form. I have no idea what kind of cow he is. He practices medicine in a building located somewhere on the ranch. He's just finishing his morning appointments when the twins and the triplets come running up with an unconscious Scarlett in their arms. Leo says “What in cowboy boot heaven?” and springs into action. As soon as he smells Scarlett his pencil is sharpened and ready for use, if you know what I mean.

Um.

How smelly is she?

I mean, seriously?

Anyway, he sees the blood on her arm and the red of it has him ready to rake her leaves right then and there, if you know what I mean. Devlin snaps at him to do his effing job and Leo remembers he somehow has medical training despite the fact that he spends half his days as a cow. He puts her on the exam table and checks her out. He tells us that her features belong on a “baby doll” and..........

…...that is NOT sexy. In fact, it's pretty fucking creepy.

Levi can't keep his hands off her and as soon as he touches her, small versions of his....ahem....longhorns... pop out on his head. No, that's not an euphemism. He actually sprouts tiny horns and Newmar tells us this happens when they get.....ahem.....happy. Like that's not weird at all. Devlin gets pissed because she's unconscious and they should not be touching her in that state.

Well. Devlin's my favorite.

Rhett gets a feel in too and Devlin slaps his hand away and tells them all to knock it the fuck off because she's hurt and they're all acting like pigs. Leo resolves to talk to his grumpy brother about manners when he should be talking to the rest of them about consent. Devlin is the only one acting like a hero in one of these books should act.

We hop into Scarlett's head as she awakens in Leo's bed. She still can't remember anything and now she's in some man's shirt in some man's bed and she doesn't know how she got there. She sees some pictures on the mantel across the way and goes to investigate. They look like they're from the 50's and each features a different woman with a bunch of longhorns. She says aloud “Well, that's nuttier than a fruitcake” and is shocked to hear she has a southern accent. She concludes she's from Texas because apparently a Texas accent is different from every other accent on the planet and easily identifiable.

Scarlett leaves the bedroom in search of someone. She can hear masculine voices coming from somewhere down the hall. A LOT of masculine voices. She thinks she might have been kidnapped. One of the voices says “do you smell that” and apparently she smells like honeydew and cinnamon which is just damned odd. Then all the voices say her name in perfect unison and she's sure that she's been kidnapped by a bunch of cult members or aliens or something.

No. Just cows.

She runs back to the bedroom and Leo follows. He's immediately calling her “honey” and “darlin'” which make me really want to punch him. That's only cute when it's someone you love. As soon as she sees him, she says “fuck me twice” because he's incredibly beautiful and then inexplicably announces that she's just a little flustered because she's a virgin. Say what? How hard did she hit her head anyway?

((((WALK IT OFF!!!))))

Leo gets out his doctor bag and does a very cursory examination before deciding she's fine. She finds herself extremely....ahem.....warmed up... by his examination. She asks Leo where she is and he tells her that she's on his ranch in Knotty Texas. Clever name, Newmar. He lives there with his six brothers even though we've only seen evidence of five. She tells him she has no memory of anything and he diagnoses her with retrograde amnesia. He says her memory will eventually come back. Then he offers her a shower and supper and she's extremely excited about both these things.

She suddenly remembers she's wearing only a shirt and she becomes extremely embarrassed that this cow doctor saw her naked. Only she hasn't figured out he's a cow yet. Whatever. He “comforts her with his warm, hard body” whatever that means. He reassures her that he only saw her in her panties and bra and he's a doctor so everything was extremely professional and clinical. Then why are you comforting her with your warm, hard body, Dr Moo?

Leo has an amazing bathroom because apparently were-cows really enjoy being clean. His bathtub is four feet tall which just sounds damn hard to climb into since it would be like chest-high on me. Like I couldn't even sit down in that thing without drowning. Who the hell has a four-foot high bathtub? How long would it take to fill? Do you think Newmar has any idea how tall four foot high is?

I was starting to doubt that I knew how high four feet was so I measured. It's nearly shoulder height on me. Then I made my manager sit down and I measure how tall she was sitting down because we are the same height. She's just a little under three feet while seated. Which means this bathtub would be an entire foot above her head. I also measured our bathtub just for reference and it's about a foot and a half tall. So four feet is definitely stupid.

Moving on......there's a separate shower with 10 shower heads so she opts for that since she doesn't have a fucking ladder to step into a four-foot high tub. She throws her dirty bra and panties down the laundry chute and gets into the shower. Oddly, there's a window in it that ends around her shoulders so nothing too racy is revealed. She can see out into the yard and she notices there's a cow just standing there staring at her. It's red so it's one of the triplets and I'm a little ashamed that I know that.

She thinks it's a beautiful cow and she watches it while she begins to....ahem....fly a solo mission in the shower, if you know what I mean. Newmar tries to play it off like she's thinking about Dr Moo while she's....you know.... but she's staring directly at a COW while doing it, so......

At one point she sees the cow standing there, rinses off some soap from some places and then looks right back out the window and the cow has completely vanished and in it's place is a shirtless man in jeans and a cowboy hat. This doesn't concern her at all. It concerns me. Normally, shifter rules are that the shifter loses its clothes when it shifts. Like they have to take them off or they'll be destroyed when the human body becomes non-human. Is Newmar trying to tell us that these guys shift wearing their jeans, boots and a hat? Where do the clothes go when they become a cow and how do they come back when they become a man?

Scarlett is mesmerized by his beauty and doesn't care that he's watching her take a shower. She thinks she should care since she's a virgin (how many times is Newmar going to tell us this???) but she doesn't. A second man walks up and then proceeds to watch her take a shower as well. She waves flirtatiously at both of them while her motor revs up even more...if you know what I mean.

Scarlett thinks that this second man has an amazing mouth. Later they're identified as Levi (first one) and Denzel (amazing mouth but new spelling of his name) Levi bends down to pick a flower and he holds it up towards her. She shakes her head playfully at him and he falls to the ground pretending to be dead at her rejection. It's actually kind of cute. Or would be if they weren't fucking watching her shower.

Dr Moo comes to see if Scarlett drowned in the mile-high bathtub and she jumps right out to talk to him, not bothering to dress at all. She covers herself with a towel, but still. Leo takes one look at her in the towel and gets an “angry erection” (I can't believe I actually used that word but it was a direct quote). So I picture it shaking a fist in the air and screaming which is just absurd. Why angry? Angry is not a good thing.

Scarlett asks him what's for dinner and he tells her “cornbread, fried pork chops, mashed taters and jalapeno jelly.” He's having a hard time keeping his “inner beast” under control and this time he's not talking about that angry problem he has. He's talking about his cow. He notices her toenails are painted red and he's frantic that the color will incite his brothers to frenzied levels of lust. His eyes turn glowing dark orange at the thought and he has to turn his back to her so she won't see.

When he turns back around, she's putting a red ribbon in her hair and he can no longer control himself. He grabs her and kisses her. As soon as his lips touch hers, he gets a psychic flash of some man pushing Scarlett off the cliff and another woman giving him money. He ends the kiss and Scarlett immediately tries to haul him back in. He tells her they can't do this now and she tells him they definitely can even though she's a virgin which has to be the billionth time we've been told this.

He takes the red ribbon from her and then hands her some clothes including socks which he has made sure to include because of her toenails. Except he didn't see the toenails until he came into the room just now and he already had the clothes with him. So Newmar just served up a huge, steaming plot hole for our consumption. He's included a pair of Rhett's boxers for her to wear because Rhett is always shrinking his laundry and he thinks they'll fit her as shorts. He also hands her the bra and panties she threw in the laundry chute which have been handwashed and dried by Rhett. In the short time she was in the shower?

Bullshit.

Which seems oddly appropriate for this book now that I think about it.

She's super pissed that some man she doesn't know touched her underwear. But it doesn't bother her that some man she doesn't know kissed her just now. Or that two men she didn't know watched her shower. No, she draws the line at someone doing her laundry.

We hop into Rhett's head now. He's so.....ahem....pleased.....by Scarlett being in the house that he can't seem to stop touching his little soldier, if you know what I mean. Devlin is at the end of his rope with the lot of them and he screams at them to behave which somehow makes him the bad guy. This author is seriously fucked in the head because he's the only decent one in the bunch so far.

Leo comes into the room looking upset and Denzel says “Holy bull-god, Leo, what's the matter?” I'm supposed to be laughing, right? This is supposed to be ridiculous? Leo tells them that someone tried to kill Scarlett and they're all like “but cows aren't psychic, bro”. Leo theorizes that it happened when he kissed her because they were both “ready to mate” and everyone is cool with that explanation. Rhett is ready to “strangle an ox with his bare hands” at the news that someone tried to kill Scarlett and Devlin threatens to castrate the culprit. Leo helpfully tells us that Devlin is “the last longhorn anyone would ever want to piss off” which is a neat trick since we are currently in RHETT'S head. Fucking hell, Newmar.

They ask for clues from the vision but he really can't tell them much. He comments that Scarlett was dressed like a "career girl" and again I have to point out that leather stilettos, fishnets, and a short skirt are definitely the clothes of a “career girl” but the not the kind they're trying to imply here. The boys want to force her to stay with them where it's safe. Leo reminds them that this human-were mating thing is skewed in Scarlett's favor. She can leave at any time and just go about her life because she's not attached to them in any way. They however are very much attached to her. Without their mate, they will all literally die from their insides being painfully tortured. The mating bond is permanent on their side and they cannot live without her. If they chase her off, they're doomed.

Scarlett comes in and is shocked to be seeing double....and triple. Dr Moo ensures her that it's just a pair of identical twins and a set of identical triplets. She points out that they seem to be missing a brother and Leo tells her that Byron works the night shift and sleeps during the day. Scarlett notices that Rhett is.....ahem.....locked and loaded.....and teases him about it because that's what you do to a man you just met. He isn't embarrassed about it at all and just laughs it off.

Leo begins to make introductions. He tells her that Devlin and Denzel might be identical twins but they are very different. Elizabeth writes for the school paper and enjoys wearing cardigans while Jessica eats the livers of newborn babes......oops. Wrong twins. He says that Denzel is sweet as honey even if he can't be depended upon to remember how to spell his own damn name and Devlin replies “So what in the fuck does that make me” and I just love him even more. He introduces the triplets next and Levi holds her hand a little too long after shaking it so Devlin throws a piece of cornbread at his head and tells him that the lady didn't give him permission to grope her.

I <3 Devlin.

Or I would if he wasn't....you know....a fucking cow.

Sonny one-ups Levi and grabs Scarlett up in a giant hug which makes Devlin bean him with a piece of cornbread too. He should really be throwing cans or something. Scarlett is startled by the hug and looks to Leo for explanation. He tells her that Sonny is just a little crazy which seems to reassure her when it really shouldn't at all.

Scarlett begins to eat and for some reason she starts moaning all over her food which just makes every male in the room growl in unison. It's a terrifying sound but Scarlett doesn't seem to realize it came from them.

Do cows growl?

So I Googled and they do. Kind of. But it definitely sounds like a loud moo and she should have identified it as a moo right off the bat and wondered why the hell it came from the room she was in.

Byron appears and he doesn't seem to notice they have company. He doesn't say a word to anyone as he goes to the fridge and begins drinking orange juice directly from the carton. Scarlett thinks he's the dreamiest of them all because he's very tall. I feel ya there, Scar. She says “his eyes were where it's at” which again is a neat trick since he's had his back to her the ENTIRE TIME. For fucks sake, Newmar. Byron suddenly catches that whiff of honeydew and cinnamon and he spins around to see Scarlett at the table. For some reason her presence seems to make him angry and he throws the carton back in the fridge, mutters “joy” under his breath and leaves the room. The others rush to reassure her that he's a nice guy, he's just tired.

Scarlett tells them she'll need a ride to town after dinner. She doesn't know who she is or where she belongs, but she must have a life somewhere. They all shout “no” at her and start growling which only serves to terrify her and make her want to leave more. Leo begs her to stay overnight so he can monitor her injuries. She agrees because suddenly she trusts them completely and, oh, because she's so....ahem.....pleased with their physical attributes and she's hoping to see them all naked.

Sonny is so thrilled that he picks her up again and then sits down with her in his lap. He produces a deck of cards and asks her if she wants to learn a game. This is all just completely normal.

We take a hop into a new character's head. Her name is Alisa and she's royally pissed that Scarlett's body hasn't been found. She's paid a quarter of a million dollars for Scarlett to be killed which really seems like an exorbitant amount of money to me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what we're reading?

Think about it. The beautiful dark haired girl with the weird name. The evil woman who tried to have her killed. THE SEVEN COWS WHO RESCUED HER.

We're fucking reading Snow White as a cow shifter story.

This is nuts.

The nameless assassin says he tried his best but he has no idea what happened to Scarlett. He thinks maybe a coyote ate her or something. Alisa says if he can't guarantee that Scarlett is dead, she'll have to bring in the big guns from Little Russia. She tells him she's calling “Mother” and he freaks out.

We're back with Snow White. I mean SCARLETT. They're all playing this stupid game called Peanut Butter that I refuse to recap about because it's just asinine. Rhett begins a pretty hard-core press to the finish line and Scarlett is not amused. She asks him which bedroom is his and when he tells her, she goes in and grabs a blanket and some clothes and then dumps them on the living room floor. She tells him that since he's a dog she's going to treat him like one and he can sleep on the couch while she sleeps in his bed. Then she stomps off. I guess we're supposed to see this as girl power or something but it just looks bitchy. Any one of them would have given up his bed without her having to make that huge performance.

Scarlett tries to sleep but can't. She heads back out into the living room and overhears them talking. Levi wants to tell her. Devlin says it's too soon. Leo says they're both kind of right and reminds them to “control their horns” while mating. Scarlett is furious. She stomps into the room and demands to know what they're talking about.

Leo picks her up, carries her to a chair, puts her face down across his knees and proceeds to spank her for eavesdropping.

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS GOING ON? DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?

The boys are all trembling and barely holding human form and they beg Leo to hurry. He asks Devlin to come hold her because he seems to have better control over his cow than the others. ((I can't even believe the sentences I'm writing here.)) Then Leo shifts. Devlin makes sure Scarlett doesn't get impaled on the horns as she screams in horror. Denzel begs Leo to shift back because he's scaring their mate and Leo does.

But now shifter rules seem to apply and his clothes have vanished. And apparently....well....he's impressive, if you know what I mean. He mutters that he hates it when he forgets to take off his clothes during a shift and suddenly his clothes are in tatters on the floor. Keep track of your story, Newmar!!!

Leo apologizes for spanking her. He says he needed to see something red on her in order to shift easier which is just such complete crap because he's been shifting all his life and he didn't need her red ass to do it.

Scarlett has many questions. Leo volunteers to give her a run down of shifter history. He tells her that all shifters have a mate chosen by fate and that all the shifters in a particular generation of a family share the same woman. Once that woman appears in their lives, they will never have feelings for any other woman. This makes Scarlett feel physically sick. I can't say I blame her here. I'd pick one and call it a day. No way in hell I'd share seven BROTHERS. That's just gross.

Scarlett runs out of the house. They follow but she screams at them that she's not leaving, she just needs space. She goes off somewhere to cry. Eventually someone comes to hold her gently and she realizes it's Byron. He tells her he knows how she feels. Helpless. Cheated. Forced by fate to do something she doesn't want to do. He tells her that he loves her and hates her. He loves her because she's his mate but he hates her because now that he's met her he can never love another woman until the day he dies. There's only her and if she leaves they will all be alone forever. He hates her because now that she's here they can't live without her but she can walk away any time she wants and there will be no consequences for her. It's not fair and he's not happy.

Byron gets his hands going north and south of the border, if you know what I mean, and Scarlett enjoys it very, VERY much. After she's done enjoying it, Byron takes off in cow form. Levi and the others find her at this point. Levi is so....ahem....happy to see her that he knocks her down and rips her shirt off. Devlin gets SUPER PISSED at this and threatens to kill him but Scarlett says it's okay. Now that she's enjoyed herself with Byron she'd like to enjoy herself with all of them.

So.....I won't be recapping the next two chapters. Let's just say that the brothers do absolutely everything together and leave it at that.

Also, nothing that happened in those two chapters was in any way physically possible or realistic.  Or enjoyable sounding.

PS I HATE Devlin now. He's dead to me.

Scarlett ends up having a vision of someone pushing her off the cliff but it's really no more helpful than Leo's had been. She cries. They comfort her. Devlin is no longer dead to me but I'm not going to look at him ever again. Scarlett is upset that Byron doesn't love her. Leo says he has issues. Byron doesn't like being a shifter and he doesn't want his children to suffer like he has. Children born to a human woman who has mated with a shifter will always be shifters unless she's the “strawberry girl”.

Once a generation the “strawberry girl” is born. She can break the cycle of the shifters for that particular bloodline. She's identified by a strawberry-colored crescent moon somewhere on her body that only becomes visible after she's been in contact with all of her mates'....ahem....essence...if you know what I mean. And that pretty much happened in those chapters I didn't recap and lo and behold, our protagonist is the strawberry girl. They tell Byron and he's very emotional about his future babies not having to be shifters.

She tells them that she loves them all and she'll be with them forever.

They all go to get something to eat and Scarlett remembers she left her underwear on the front lawn. She goes outside to get them and finds a note that says “My work with you isn't over, bitch.” She's scared but decides not to tell them because she doesn't want to ruin their first night together. Yeah, you read that right. She's known them less than 24 hours, giggitied them all and declared her undying love. Our girl works fast.

The book ends there. I am NOT reading any more of these. I guess you'll have to read them yourselves to find out how it ends. (((NOT YOU, MANAGER. YOU MAY NOT READ THESE BOOKS UNTIL I AM COLD IN MY GRAVE. WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A GRAVE.)))

I do want to remind everyone, though, that Snow White doesn't end up with the dwarfs. She ends up with the necrophiliac who kisses her when she's dead in the woods. So I'm not sure about the fate of our cows here. Plus, they're not getting much training done with all the giggitying so they're probably going to lose those blue ribbons at the rodeo too. Sad, sad days are ahead for our little moo cows.  

Well, I hoped you enjoyed this.  It was a fun little departure for me and I'll definitely try to find another soon.