Snake's Charm by Ruby Paige

**This blog contains adult language and discussion of....ahem....adult activities.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you're prepared to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.

Tag Line: None.

From the Back of the Book: Sexy brunette Aimee has swapped the city for a desert motel, her sister’s baby triplets - triplets! - providing her the convenient excuse to leave behind a soul-destroying relationship. She didn’t expect to meet the perfect guy so far from anywhere, but when truck driver Jay walks into the motel, she’s going to seize every chance of happiness - or at least good sex - she can. Jay has a secret behind his twinkling eyes and sculpted abs, though. And when all is revealed, and the authorities come looking for him, a horrified Aimee has to make a life-changing decision. Snake Hunter is a Snakeshifter Romance for mature readers only. Out in the desert, it’s not just the sun that’s sizzling hot.

Okay, y'all, this is barely a book.  It took me less than an hour to read and would have taken significantly less time if I hadn't been noting it out.  Don't expect much here.

There's something really weird about that cover model's torso, by the way.

This book was published in 2016 and it's my first reading.  Goodreads notes it as Book One in the snakeshifters series but there was no Book Two.  I'll let you draw your own conclusions as to why.

I'm three pages into this damn book before I even figure out what's going on. It's written in first person and our intrepid narrator is doing a piss poor job of cluing us in. Eventually I gather that we're in the head of a woman named Aimee who is temporarily helping out at her sister's motel in the middle of nowhere. Her sister recently had triplets and Aimee is coming out of a bad break-up so she put on her red cape and headed for the desert to pitch in. She's washing a pile of sheets when a truck pulls up outside.

The man in the truck is yummy, according to Aimee. He's tan and muscled and straight out of her fantasies. He tells her that he has room 18 reserved and she identifies him to us as Jay. Jay stays there once a week and he always requests that room.

We time hop to the next morning. There's been an issue with something Jay is transporting. He needs some kind of license to take it where it's supposed to go but the paperwork hasn't come through. He needs to stay another night or two. Aimee makes the arrangements while mentally undressing him. I'll save you the details but let's just say she has a vivid imagination and in it, he's very well endowed. As he's turning to leave, she sees the edge of a tattoo peeking out of his t-shirt sleeve and she asks him about it. He rolls up his sleeve and after she finishes screaming at us about his perfect biceps, she finally looks at the tattoo.

It's a snake. Shifters lack so much imagination, y'all. I mean it's practically like tattooing your own face on you. Sheesh. Anyway, it's very lifelike and she feels like she can see it moving on his skin. He tells her that it's a family tattoo and then let's her know he'll be in the bar if she needs him for anything.

What the hell would she need him for?

Yes, I know that, but I meant if this wasn't a poorly written shifter erotica book. It was a weird thing for him to say.

After he leaves she literally loses the ability to stand and she sinks to the floor while reminding herself that she's a strong, independent woman. Sure you are, honey.

Aimee puts some laundry in and then decides to go to the bar. It's attached to the motel and run by her brother-in-law Carl. He greets her as she comes in and she realizes it's going to be awkward if she puts her hands down Jay's pants in front of her sister's husband. So she orders a chicken sandwich and some white wine and then we get this.

“And real people come with desires. My fantasies are running away with me. I'm already starting to imagine what Carlos looks like under that flannel shirt, or if I were to slide off his jeans.”

We have a couple of problems here, y'all. First of all, the dude's name is JAY. His last name isn't even Carlos, it's Wilson. Second of all, a minute ago he was wearing a t-shirt because she saw his bicep tattoo peeking out under it. No flannel. So who the fuck is she fantasizing about here? Please, PLEASE, tell me it's not her brother-in-law and Carl is short for Carlos. I can't take another one of those books. Please tell me this idiot author just forgot the guy's name. And what he was wearing. Please.

Next thing I know it's the next day already and Jay has to stay again. They still don't have his paperwork straightened out. Aimee's sister Sarah warns her that Jay might be playing her. Truck drivers tend to have a girl in every port according to Sarah and she doesn't want to see Aimee get hurt. That seems super premature since so far they've had two conversations with each other and she's only seen his bicep.

Aimee works at cleaning the rooms. She saves Jay's for last and sends her helper home before she knocks on his door. She tells us he's sitting on his bed wearing only his pants so I guess she just walked into his room after knocking. That takes balls. He seems startled and tells her he'll get out of her way so she can clean but she licks her lips and says he can stay. And then they're in bed together. I'm not even skipping anything here, y'all. There's no lead up. There's no conversation. She tells him he can stay and TWO SENTENCES later a condom appears.

So, okay then.

At least they're being safe.

It...um....doesn't last long, if you know what I mean. In two paragraphs it's over and they seem okay with that. I found it disappointing. {{{shrug}}} Then she leaves without ever cleaning his room. WHAT IS HE PAYING YOU FOR, MISSY?

Later Aimee tries to imagine all his other bed-buddies in an effort to force herself into facing the reality of what she is to him. It turns into this:

“I force myself to imagine the girl in every town Sarah had warned me about. To search for HIS flaws. But it only made me jealous. I mean, why the fuck was imaginary girlfriend number one's hair so perfect? Did she have nothing else to do with her life except rearrange each strand? And fuck imaginary girlfriend number three, with her law degree and fancy apartment.”

So....that's a typo right? The “his” in that sentence? His imaginary girlfriends aren't actually men, are they? Or does she mean she's imagining the girls to search for Jay's flaws? That doesn't make much sense either but I guess we'll go with that. Also...........

Later that night she takes two beers to his room and three sentences later I find myself in the middle of something epically squicky and very poorly written. Give a blogger a warning, people. Some lead-in would be nice.

I know I usually skip the....ahem....descriptions but at one point she refers to her own lady bits as “cavernous” and I died laughing. That is not a good description, honey. Oh my God.  No woman wants to be cavernous.

So, I'm reading through this – and it's not easy because this is not a good writer, y'all – and then something odd catches my eye. If this wasn't a shifter book, I would accept it at face value and just keep skipping. But I think this is actually something. Anyway, they're in the middle of things and she's blindfolded when she starts to feel a cord of some kind wrapping around her torso and arms. But it doesn't feel like any kind of cord she's familiar with. It feels alive and it seems to wind and unwind itself around her.

So....a snake then.

She puts her finger in his mouth and feels something sharp (fangs????) and then tells us that his body feels like it has less angles now. That it's “easier to move, easier to manipulate”. And then.....well, I can't really describe this considering my audience but let's say that....um....either he shifted mid-ahem or his tattoo came to life and did things to her.

I know what you're thinking. And, yes, I do need more sleep, but I've read at least one book where a tattoo could actually take form so it's possible, y'all. You just haven't been reading the right books.

After it's over, he tells her that there's something about him she should know and then he shows her his tattoo. It's definitely moving now and she realizes that it was the cord she felt on her. She freaks the fuck out – understandably in this case – and runs from the room.

She's back in the office wondering what her life has become when an expensive but non-descript car pulls up in front of the motel. Two people in dark suits and sturdy boots get out and approach the office. They identify themselves as being from “The Office of Biosecurity Protection” and hand her a picture of Jay, asking if she's seen him. She's so pissed that she considers turning him in but lies and says she hasn't seen him. They leave.

As soon as they're gone, she goes straight to Jay's room and barges in without even knocking. He's watching TV and seems a little alarmed at her dramatic appearance. She tells him about the suits and he says that people like him are considered an “invasive species” and if they're caught, they're locked up in a facility with no outside contact for the duration of their lives. They aren't considered people.

She feels a little guilty seeing the fear and pain on his face because just a few minutes ago she didn't consider him a person either. She tells him he needs to hide because they'll be back and then she asks him how small he can get.

I can't believe this conversation exists. I'm dying.

He shifts and she informs us that he's a big snake but flexible which will help.

What am I reading?

She tells him to follow her and he slithers along behind her until they get to the laundry room. She tells him to get inside the washer and she props the lid open a little so he won't suffocate. I guess she better hope no one else decides to wash sheets.

Hours later the agents return and demand to search the entire motel. She lets them despite the fact that she's never heard of this agency before and doesn't even know if it's a real thing. Call the police, sweetheart. Don't be an idiot. They search the entire place, including the washer where Jay should have been, and find nothing. They leave.

She plays Candy Crush for awhile, wondering where he went and if she'll ever see him again. Suddenly he appears in human form at the desk. He tells her he escaped into the plumbing.  She's over her freak out and tells him she'll come to his room later for some reindeer games.

This time....let's just say he's a snake the whole time and she's okay with that. A tail is involved. That's all you're getting from me.

We take a major time hop now. It's almost a month later and Aimee is living back at home in the city. He comes to visit and says that if things work out between them, he'll just have to stay in the city and learn to drive a bus. And then the book ends. Yep, folks. That's all there was. Seriously, what was even the point of this? It's not even a cliffy with the hopes of a conclusion later. That was the ENTIRE book.

God bless Kindle Unlimited because if I had paid for that I would have been royally pissed.

Next time....whenever that is....you're getting the hedgehog book.  I hope it has more story to it than this one did.