**This blog contains adult language and description of.....ahem.....adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: I was pretty sure of three things. First, Vid was probably not human. Second, he thirsted for my lungs and was capable of killing me with a single kiss. And third, I was completely, hopelessly, madly in love with him. In this humorous parody where Covid-19 meets Twilight, Ella meets mysterious newcomer Vid in high school and falls madly in love. Vid warns her he's dangerous, but like a moth to a flame, she can only see his blinding good looks. Will she risk everything - even her life - for a chance at romance? And will he put her in jeopardy just to make her his?
((((I would like to strike the words "humorous parody" from the record, Your Honor. It assumes facts not in evidence.))))
This book was published in October of 2020 and this is my first time reading it. If the opening of the descriptions sounds familiar, it's probably because of this.....
"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him - and I didn't know how dominant that part might be - that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." ~ Stephenie Meyer, Twilight.
Clearly this book is a “pandemic Twilight parody”. You're probably going to find it more interesting if you have a basic knowledge of Twilight so here goes. Clumsy teenage girl meets 100+ year old vampire. Creepy old vampire dude tells her who she can talk to, where she can go and watches her while she sleeps Teenage girl does minimal research and decides that she's willing to risk everything to be with creepy old vampire dude. She makes a series of bad decisions but unfortunately survives. I think that's all you need to know.
By the way, this is not our usual kind of book for this blog. There is no.....ahem....attacking the pink fortress if you know what I mean. It's strictly PG. I know you're disappointed. I thought about not putting it up here but it fit with our whole Covid theme so I decided to go ahead.
This book, like Twilight, begins with a prologue where the protagonist whines to us that she's about to die but she's doing it for love so it's okay.
Sigh.
Day One
Our protagonist spends the entire first paragraph telling us that she's r/notliketheothergirls because she'd rather be surfing than sitting in class. We really should track how many of our protagonists are r/notliketheothergirls. I think it's got to be in the high 90's which is pretty ironic if you think about it. It's almost as if every person on this earth is an actual individual with individual likes and dislikes and no one is ever truly 100% like anyone else. Strange notion, that.
It's the first day of What's-her-face's senior year and she's just sort of going through the motions of attending class until she gets to her fifth period lab class. A boy sits in the seat beside her and suddenly she's a staring, drooling amoeba capable of only one thought.......hot. He smiles at her and introduces himself as Vid. When she tries to shake his hand, he tells her it's not a good idea and refuses to touch her. Despite this, What's-her-face can only think about how much she wants to kiss him. She does tell him her name, though, so I guess I can stop calling her What's-her-face. Her name is Ella.
Vid tells her his full name is Covid and he's just arrived in town from China. He has “startling” green eyes and teeth so bright they “seem fluorescent”. Are fluorescent teeth considered attractive? It just reminds me of that episode of Friends when Ross's teeth glow in the dark and freak out his date. Anyway, Ella welcomes him to Florida and he says he's happy to be done traveling around for awhile.
Class begins and Ella notices that Vid is leaning as far away from her as possible. He has a strained look on his face and she worries that she might smell bad. He leaves the room as fast as possible after the class ends and she's super embarrassed. For the rest of the day, she obsesses over his reaction and wonders what she did to make him run away from her like that.
Day Two
Before lab the next day, Ella ducks into the bathroom to brush her hair, apply deodorant and put on fresh gloss. She checks her teeth for food and decides there's nothing about her today that could possibly be offensive to Vid. It's sad that she's worried about making herself acceptable for a guy she barely knows. It's all for nothing, though, because Vid doesn't come to class.
Day Five
No, I don't know where days three and four went. Vid hasn't been in lab since day one and Ella has given up all hope of seeing him again. She's really depressed about it because they formed such a connection during that 30 seconds that they spoke to each other that one time. But lo and behold, the stars align and Vid is actually in class this time. He greets Ella with a smile and asks if she missed him. She asks where he's been and he says that he just needed to clear his head for a few days. Then he leans in close to her and tells her he's fallen for her. You know....during that 30 second conversation they had four days ago.
Vid says he tried to stay away because he's no good for her but he was too weak and had to see her again. She's practically unzipping her pants for him when he tells her that they shouldn't be anything but friends. Despite this dire warning, he's waiting for her beside her car after school. He asks her if she wants to go for a ride and then recommends that they put the top down on her convertible because it's safer for her. She suggests they head out to the lake.
They go to a secluded place and then sit down by the water. She tells him that she can barely breathe around him and he sighs and says that he has that effect on people. She asks him why he looks so sad and he tells her that he doesn't want to hurt her.
Ella decides to ask him questions about his life. I'll just bullet point his answers.
*he was born in China
*he is a “hybrid” ((his word, not mine))
* he has one sister named Enza which is short for Influenza
Ella wants to kiss his lips which she describes as “red as a ripe apple” but Vid distracts her by touching her cheek. As soon as he does, he tosses her an antibacterial wipe and tells her to clean off her face and hands. She does because she does everything he tells her to do. Already. She asks him what he is exactly and I'm a little stupified at the question. He's done nothing to suggest to her that he's anything but a human who is worried about germs. Why would she assume he's some kind of paranormal creature based on anything that's happened so far? If I were him, I'd find it pretty fucking insulting.
Vid, however, tells her that he's not allowed to say outright what he is but she can try to guess if she wants. Her first guess is monster which is also just fucking insulting. What has he done that would make her think monster? He shrugs at that one and tells her to be more specific. Here are Ella's guesses:
*germ-obsessed vampire
*werewolf
*supervillian
*mutant
When she says the last one, he tells her that she's getting warmer. Then he elaborates which I thought he wasn't supposed to do???? He says he's the “perfect killing machine” and that everything about him “is engineered to lure you in so I can infect you and bring about your demise”. She asks him if there's anything they can do and he gets mad and walks away. No, I don't know why he got mad. He's Edward and Edward always got mad for no fucking reason. Before he leaves, he tells her to take a long shower with lots of soap when she gets home.
Ella goes home and does her Google sesh. She finds all kinds of information about Covid and how deadly it is. She feels sorry for Vid being a deadly virus and all but she is still madly in love with him from that one 30 second conversation four days ago, so she vows to finds some way for the two of them to be together. Even if it kills her.
Day Six
Vid isn't in school. Ella is crushed.
Day Seven
No Vid and Ella is sinking into a deep depression. She misses him with her whole heart because now she's had TWO conversations with him.
Day Eight
No Vid. Ella decides she'd rather die than live without him because they've had TWO conversations and are truly, madly, deeply in love.
Day Nine
Ella decides not to go to school. She gets herself some Doritos and some soda and sits in front of the TV. She watches news stories about Vid and what he's been up to as he continues to infect the entire world. She can't figure out how he can be in so many places at once but she gets off on how powerful he is and how afraid people are of him. Ella decides that she needs to prove her love for Vid by infecting herself and vows to go to New York City where the virus is spreading rapidly.
Day Ten
Ella skips school again and heads for the airport. She's standing at a kiosk when she hears a familiar voice and turns to find Vid behind her. She tells him that she's willing to die for him because she can't live without him after their two conversations. He says he tried to stay away but they've had two conversations and that means he loves her. She asks him to kiss her because she's young and strong and should survive the infection. So he does because fuck it why not?
They stand at the airport making out and the book ends. I'm not even joking. It just ends there. What the fuck was the point of that story? IT WENT NOWHERE! It was exponentially worse than Twilight and I didn't even think that was possible.
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