**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: It's summer and Tronbo finds himself deeply compelled to go to the beach. His friends are too busy which prompts Tronbo to head out for a solo swim that turns dangerous quickly. Suddenly, the lone swimmer is drowning. Fortunately Tronbo finds himself rescued from the jaws of death by a handsome living banana lifeguard who seems to be carrying a deep, dark secret. Soon enough the two of them find themselves wrapped up in a romantic tryst with more layers than just a simple banana peel, culminating in a hardcore pounding between the muscular man and his breathtaking banana lifeguard.
This book was published in 2018 and this is my first time reading it. It's not my first time reading Chuck Tingle, national treasure, though. I recapped his Wordle book a few posts ago. The cover of this book is hilarious but it leaves me with questions. How does a banana with no arms rescue anyone from drowning? It doesn't look like he has legs either, so how does he kick? I hope Chuck answers these questions for us.
We begin with our protagonist Tronbo longing to go to the beach. He feels like all the sunscreen in the grocery store is taunting him and his neighbors are hanging their beach towels on their balconies to give him FOMO. He tries to arrange things with his friends but they can't spare the time so he decides to go alone. Yes, friends, chapter one begins by just repeating the book description.
Tronbo shies away from the crowded swimming beach and heads down to where the surfers can catch the rad waves. He gets in the water and starts to float around with his eyes closed. This seems dangerous. What if he catches a random surf board to the face? Time passes. Eventually he notices that he's getting tired because his body has been subconsciously working hard to keep him afloat on the rough water. He opens his eyes and realizes how far from shore he's drifted. Immediately a wave pushes him under the water and he can't fight it as it pulls him farther away from shore.
Eventually Tronbo is completely exhausted and he slips under the waves. He feels both scared and peaceful as he realizes he can no longer make it to the surface. Suddenly something bright yellow swims into his field of vision and grabs his hand, dragging him to the surface. Tronbo loses consciousness before he hits the air.
So apparently the banana has arms and legs after all. So it's probably something more like this.....
I don't know if that's better or worse.
Tronbo regains consciousness on the beach with the large, sentient banana lifeguard giving him CPR. There's a sentence you've never read before in your entire life. Tronbo is struck by how handsome the banana is in his sexy red trunks. Tronbo introduces himself and thanks the lifeguard for saving his life. The lifeguard's name is Greet and once he knows Tronbo is okay, he takes off down the beach to go back to his job. Tronbo tells us that Greet is “a perfect specimen of masculinity, as though crafted by some kind of magic”.
I mean....yeah. He's a banana so it must be some kind of magic. Or alternate universe. Or something.
At least he's not a popular online word game. I never did figure that one out.
Tronbo calls after Greet and asks if he can take him out to lunch. Greet says he was about to head to a nearby taco stand and asks if Tronbo just wants to come with him. Tronbo agrees. As they walk, Tronbo asks him questions about how many people he's saved. Greet is pretty humble about the entire thing. He says he's saved somewhere around a hundred people from drowning but there's nothing special about him – he's just doing his job. For some reason, Tronbo finds his humility frustrating. He blurts out that he's wildly attracted to the fruit. Greet just looks at him. Finally, he says that he finds Tronbo attractive too, but he hasn't really dated since the 'accident'.
So apparently at one point Greet and his boyfriend were walking along the cliffs over the beach. They decided to climb down and go skinny dipping in the little cove below. For some reason they decided to take their clothes/peel off at the top and climb down naked. The boyfriend slipped on the banana peel though and fell to his death. Greet trained and became a lifeguard because he'd been unable to save his boyfriend.
I'm not going to lie - I laughed so hard at the image of him slipping on Greet's discarded peel. This is why Chuck Tingle is a national treasure. I don't even know what country the man lives in, but whichever one it is, they're lucky to have him.
Despite the fact Greet just told him about the tragic death of a loved one that altered his life entirely, Tronbo seems to think it's appropriate to hit on him. I don't know why Greet just didn't walk away then and there but he ignores it and the two of them continue their walk to the taco stand. As they walk, Greet tells Tronbo that he looks like the boyfriend. At this point, if I were Tronbo I would duck out. I'd never know if Greet really loved me or if he was just trying to relive his love for the dead boyfriend.
When they get to the taco stand, Greet asks Tronbo what kind of food he likes. Suddenly Tronbo realizes that he has no idea. He can't remember anything before that morning. He remembers having a job but doesn't know where it is or what he does there. He remembers having friends who are busy but can't remember who they are or what they look like. Greet gets really excited and says that he thinks Tronbo really is his boyfriend Torks. He's wished every night that Torks would come back to him and he thinks it happened.
I would say that's a giant leap but one of this book's romantic leads is a talking, walking banana. Things don't have to make sense here, y'all. We're just going to go with it.
Tronbo/Torks realizes it's true. The reason he can't remember anything is because he didn't actually exist in this form before that morning. He is flooded with memories from his life as Torks and memories of being in love with Greet. Greet hugs him and comments on how cold Tronorks is. Tronorks tells Greet he 'needs' him so Greet leads him toward the cove. Tronorks isn't sure he wants to go back to the area where he died but Greet tells him the tide is out and it will be safe.
Until the tide comes back in.
Are they both going to drown?
They get to the cove and undress each other frantically. In case you're wondering, under his peel, Greet is “a cream colored cylinder of sugary sweetness”. He also has an “enormous shaft” which I assume is in addition to the cylinder of his body. Tronorks immediately starts obeying Obama if you know what I mean and it's pretty standard until he says his face is pressed up against Greet's “potassium enriched abs”. Also his....um.....man mayonnaise (if you know what I mean) tastes like a banana smoothie.
I think some people would probably prefer that.
Also, I'm never going to be able to look a banana in the eye again. Maybe it's a good thing I'm allergic.
When it's over, Tronorks tells Greet that he's going to have to go soon. He was allowed to come back because they never got their day in the cove but now that they have, he'll have to go back to the afterlife. Greet is devastated but Tronorks says they'll meet again in another timeline. They exchange I love yous and then a big, black ghost train comes into the cove and picks Tronorks up.
The book just ends there. One thing you can say about Chuck Tingle, national treasure, is that he gets right to the point and then ends the book before it gets boring.
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