**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: Christie Aackerlund doesn't need help with anything. So when the world's biggest technology company offers to fly her to a remote location and investigate an alien artifact, all by herself, she's all like “I'll do it!” But the artifact isn't what it seems, and soon an overly helpful giant living paperclip is getting her all bent out of shape. *
*I swear to you that all the grammar mistakes in that description were present on Goodreads.
This book was published in 2015 and this is my first time reading it or Delaney in general. The book included an “About the Author” section which notes that he “writes from the heart instead of wasting time with research or experience” and that he's earned dozens of dollars in royalties. He lives with his mother and her cat and has a long-distance relationship going with his girlfriend “who he really wishes would respond to his DM's and is beginning to think is dead”.
I really enjoyed his “About the Author” section so I have high hopes for the book in general.
We begin with our protagonist Christie who assures us that she's a very independent woman. She doesn't accept help from anyone and she's damn proud of it. She opens her email and finds something from the CEO of the Contoso Corporation. He's read her blog and taken note of her “relationships with inanimate objects and ability to communicate using words”. He says they've found an alien artifact in a dangerous location and they want to send her there to tell the artifact's story. Christie accepts.
The CEO – Phil – picks Christie up in a helicopter and flies her out to Silicon Valley. He says they were mining for computer chips when the found the artifact and they need a writer to tell the story of what it is and how it got there. Suddenly green geysers start shooting up from the ground and the helicopter is hit. It crashes into the crater but everyone's okay. Phil's Windows Phone 8.1 is broken but he says they should be okay. They can cuddle at night for warmth. She tries to swerve him but he's persistent and follows her out to look at the artifact.
It's a “long, grey, pill-shaped enclosure” that's slightly taller than Christie and has “no visible windows or openings except for a tiny hole with a lens inside.” Christie immediately starts scanning the area to see if anything around will give her any kind of clue about the object. She finds a piece of paneling with what looks to be a cross embossed on it. She sits down to record it in her notebook and suddenly the artifact opens with a hiss and a high pitched voice asks if it can be of any assistance.
To Christie's surprise, a giant, living paperclip climbs out of the artifact. It has giant eyeballs and eyebrows that make a whirring noise when they raise. It says that it looks like she's writing a letter and asks if she needs help. It annoys her because she never needs help.
The paperclip introduces himself as “Clippy, your office assistant” and asks again if they want some assistance. Excited, Phil begins to chat with Clippy while Christie explores the area. She finds another panel with an “O” on it and then locates a mysterious cave. As she lowers herself into the opening, her tool belt makes her pants dip down a little and exposes the top of her red panties. Clippy checks her out and she finds it exciting.
Phil joins them and the three of them explore the cave. Phil keeps hitting on her and eventually Clippy takes note of it.
“Looks like an awkward romantic situation,” he said. “Can I assist in getting this guy off you?”
She almost lets him even though she's allergic to help. They keep exploring until they find a doorway. The door leads to an underground office with old computers and books in it. Another doorway leads to a room full of “digital supercomputer servers”. Somehow they're on and working despite the lack of electricity underground.
Phil goes to explore the servers but suddenly the ground starts to collapse. As the servers fall, Clippy offers his assistance again. Christie finally accepts after watching Phil get crushed to death.
I guess her independence has its limits.
Clippy unravels and wraps himself around her to save her from the server disaster. She's surprised that his metal feels warm to the touch instead of cold. Clippy tells her that the servers were his brain and now that they are damaged, he doesn't feel compelled to assist her with everything anymore. She's relieved.
Then we get this.
“Christie looked down, and she saw that the loose end in the middle of Clippy's coil was sticking out. It glowed red at the end, as if his rod had been stuck in a fire. Clippy had a boner.”
Can I just say OUCH!
There's no chance in HELL that anyone is sticking the end of a paperclip inside me.
She grabs him and gets on her knees to obey Obama if you know what I mean. I guess she's grateful he saved her life and she wants to pay him back. This goes on for awhile but then she decides to get naked herself.
“...her perfectly engineered breasts popped free, with nipples like eager little puppy noses.”
🐶🐶 (.)(.)
Seriously, though, that made me laugh.
Delaney's some kind of literary genius.
Since Clippy doesn't have hands, Christie practices a little touch typing on herself if you know what I mean. She can't quite get herself there, though, so Clippy offers assistance. She accepts out of pure frustration.
“He uncoiled almost entirely, so he was a straight rod with only a little curl at the top for his eyes to attach to with magnets or whatever. The length of his metal shaft glowed with digital passion. He sprung forward, bounced into the air, and landed inside Christie's lady-socket.”
No, thank you.
She begs him to assist her deeper and he follows directions well. She still can't quite get there, so he curls himself into a C and does a little double penetration. This makes her....{{{shudder}}}..... “spurt lady-butter” all over him.
Ewwwwwwww. 😖
Christie tells us that he's not the first inanimate object that she's boinked but he's probably the best. She just hopes he didn't get her pregnant.
When the afterglow fades, Christie gets up and begins to explore again. She finds more panels with letters on them and organizes them until they spell “Contoso”. Clippy tells her that the facility is a test office and there are eight other ones buried underground.
Suddenly the rubble shifts and Phil emerges. Half his face is gone and Christie can see wires and circuits. He says he isn't the real Phil. Contoso made some artificial assistants back in the 90's and he escaped before they buried all the testing facilities. He thought if he brought Christie to the site, she'd write about the assistants and then people would demand that Contoso unbury them.
Christie is pissed that they lied to her. She tells both of them off and then hikes home.
In the epilogue, Christie writes a blog post about the dangerous “sex robots” buried underground in the Silicon Valley. Clippy reads it and tries not to take it personally. He even admits that she might be right. There are several versions of assistants buried underground and some of them definitely have ideas about taking over the world. Clippy vows to assist humanity in any way possible.
The book ends there. Apparently Christie is a recurring character in Delaney's books, though, so we might see her again if I come across any more of them.
I actually liked this book. As stupid as it was, it was a lot of fun. I might even like Delaney more than Chuck Tingle.
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