**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: Let's be honest with ourselves: who hasn't found a praying mantis sexy at some point in their lives? For dedicated (and horny) insectologist Dr Liberty Penningforthly, it's a daily occurrence. In fact, her mantis infatuation is so strong, it's started to interfere with her sex life. Now Dr Penningforthly can't reach orgasm unless her partner wears a praying mantis mask. But even that is starting to not work... So when a new enlargement machine is brought into the lab, suddenly Dr Penningforthly has a stroke of inspiration...What if she enlarged a praying mantis? If she could, then perhaps she'd finally have that incredible orgasm she'd always dreamed of... That is, unless something went horribly wrong (yet horribly sexy).
What's with all the ellipses? Does she think she's motherfucking Cusick or something?
This book was published in 2022 and this is my first time reading it. It's not my first time reading Edwards, however. We're very familiar with her “Kissing the Coronovirus” series. I discovered there's a third one to that series I haven't read yet so I'll probably add that to my list at some point.
We begin with our protagonist Liberty telling us how praying mantises make her underpants moist and I already want to tap out of this one. I can't relate at all. I hate bugs. Liberty has been fascinated with the species since she was a little girl and her dad brought home a pet mantis named Gordon. Liberty took Gordon with her everywhere she went and they were inseparable until Gordon died. Over the years she had several pet mantises but it wasn't until she was 19 that she had sexual thoughts about them.
The thoughts first appeared on the night she lost her v-card. She found a human named Gordon on a dating app and brought him home to...mate. Or farm? I don't know. This is how she described it to us: “Gordon (the human) ploughed her like he were a combine harvester and her vagina was an entire field of wheat.” I guess he fertilized her Stardew Valley if you know what I mean.*
(((*joke supplied by my manager/offspring)))
She ends up having seven orgasms because she's picturing her mantis friend the entire time. From that point on, Liberty didn't want to sleep with humans anymore, she only wanted to get it on with mantises.
As you do.
At first she just had to picture them and that was enough to get her off. Then she asked her partners to wear a mantis mask. Then they had to paint themselves green and wear wings. Once she even filled a bathtub with mantises and got in with them so she could....ahem.... paddle the pink canoe with them crawling all over her if you know what I mean.
{{{{{shudder}}}}}
Then one day an enlarger ray is delivered to the lab where she works. Immediately she decides to use it to enlarge a mantis so she can boink its brains out. She stays late and waits until all the humans have left the lab and then goes to work shutting down all the cameras. She frees the sexiest looking mantis in the lab and takes him to the enlarger. On the way she stops to....ahem....practice a little self love if you know what I mean and MJ Edwards gives us two of the greatest sentences known to literature.
“She toyed with her pussy so vigorously it made her boobs wobble like they were two strawberry jellies. Incredible wibbly wobbly breasts.”
I mean, that's art.
She takes the mantis into the room with the machine in it and puts him on a little tray. She doesn't know how to actually use the machine but she just starts pressing buttons and turning knobs until it turns on. She hits a big red button and then everything goes black. When she wakes up, she realizes that she's been turned into a mantis.
Cool cool. At least we won't technically have a human fucking a bug.
There are lines, people!!!
From behind her she hears a scream “like the type of scream you scream when you step on a Lego brick while you're pleasuring yourself with anal beads that you left in the microwave for too long.”
Art.
She turns to find the male mantis behind her and the shenanigans commence. They have fairly descriptive bug sex and then Liberty realizes that it's time to eat him because that's what female mantises do. She consumes him and then cries because she's sad. She can't possibly work the machine now because she's a tiny mantis so there's no way to make herself human again. She resigns herself to life as an insect.
The cleaning man comes in and finds her. Gently he picks her up and carries her back to the lab where the mantis cages are. Liberty is thrilled when he accidentally puts her in the cage with the males instead of the females. She figures she might as well have a good time at least.
The book ends there. It was art.
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