**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: This book is a riveting, emotional tale of one woman's journey from adolescence to adulthood as she struggles with poverty, homelessness and heartbreak. Please keep a box of tissues on hand. LOL. JK. This is a book about fart shifters, aliens and zombies.
This book was “published” in 2023 and it's my first time reading it. I'm not even sure if published is the right word. I'm a member of a few book groups on Facebook and an admin of one of them posted this offering for us. I can't find it on Goodreads, though, so I'm not sure if it's been actually published or if it's just a fun thing I'm reading in my browser.
We begin with our bored, lonely protagonist working her shift in her mom's tiny grocery store. There are no customers and she's just counting down the hours until she can close up for her 30 minute dinner break. A new mexican restaurant has opened up across the street and she has a burrito in the fridge waiting for her. Finally 7:00 arrives and she closes up and heats up her burrito.
At first, she's really enjoying it. It's probably the best burrito she's ever eaten. When she eats the last bite, her stomach starts to hurt and she thinks she's in real danger of pooping her pants. She lets out a series of farts but it doesn't relieve the pain much. Suddenly she farts the longest, loudest fart of her life and the pressure finally eases some. She's trying to decide whether she's going to survive or not and then she realizes she's no longer alone in the room. She's been joined by three sexy men.
Man one is dark and brooding so he'll probably be my favorite. Man two is blonde and smiley and definitely giving off golden retriever vibes so I'm probably going to like him too. Man three is a red head and seems mischievous. They look similar enough that she suspects they're brothers despite the wide range of hair colors.
She asks who they are and Broody says they're her mates. Retriever says that she summoned them. He gives her a sympathetic look as he admits that it's hard on her body but she'll get used to it over time. Mischievous elaborates and says she “expelled their life force”. She's confused but then says there's no way she farted them into existence. Retriever immediately reassures her that her butt did indeed “exhale them into existence.” Then, this....
“Your butt tuba played exceptionally well if I do say so myself.”
That was pure art.
She immediately suspects that she's been drugged or that she's hallucinating from food poisoning or something. Broody says they can make her feel better if she'll let them. Retriever comes over to scoop her up in his arms and she takes a sniff of him. He smells like queso apparently. He asks her where she lives and she tells him she has a one-bedroom apartment above the shop. He carries her right up with the other two close behind. They admonish her for not locking her door and tell her she's too important to risk her life that way.
Retriever carries her right into the bedroom and puts her on the king sized bed. Within seconds all three of them are completely naked and she's staring at a trio of....ahem....chimichangas if you know what I mean. They're large and impressive because they always are in these books. You never read about an average sized male. She asks them their names (Elias, Anston and Tavin) but I'm just going to keep calling them Broody, Retriever and Mischievous. Still don't know her name. They keep calling her “cheek squeak” and "tootsie" but I'm not going to be doing that.
They undress her and Broody gets right to work licking her taco if you know what I mean. She pretty much blasts off right away (and this time not from the ass). As soon as she does, she feels a lot better. She asks them to....ahem....stuff her if you know what I mean and what follows is pretty standard for a book with one female and three males. I could tell you which hole they all get but I'll leave it to your imagination.
They all have fun and then our unnamed protagonist goes to sleep.
The next chapter tells us that the world ends because of “alien jizz”. But then we go back to our girl and her mates. They tell her that they can't stay forever but when she needs them to come back she can just fart them into existence again. Apparently there's a trick to it. Squeaky, playful farts produced by beans will summon Mischievous. Silent but deadly farts caused by kale or cabbage will summon Broody. Huge, loud farts caused by dairy intolerance will summon Retriever. Only those burritos will summon all three at once.
So....they just hang out in her ass until she expels them? I...uh...okay.
We skip ahead a few months. Our unnamed protagonist has lost her mother, sold the grocery store and bought the mexican restaurant. I guess that was the only way she could ensure that the chef that makes the burritos will keep making them??? Later it says that she got the chef to teach her the recipe so she could make it herself so I'm not sure why she bought the whole restaurant.
One day the four of them are hanging out in her apartment watching TV. There's a virus called TEV going around that makes people lose their minds. People basically turn into living zombies and attack and eat everyone they come across. An infected person shows up in the building so the guys decide to use their mystical "fart powers" to protect their mate. Retriever and Broody press their naked butts up to the windows and Mischievous presses his up to the door. They tell her that their fart clouds will confuse the zombies and make it so no one else can enter the building.
Makes sense.
As much as anything does I guess.
They make it through 71 days peacefully. On day 72, a fight breaks out in the street below between a bunch of women. The authors name a bunch of people and I suspect they're all mods from the book group but it's not super important. The war wages on until there's only one survivor and then things go back to normal. (((Note from future me: the women are actually all authors that the authors of this book know. They consented to being in the book and being killed off.)))
On day 97, two more women appear in the street below. Sinclair Kelly and Katie May. Our unnamed protagonist tells us that they bullied her all through high school. They call up insults to her, asking if she's been exchanging blowies for protection. Broody just shoots them through the head.
Eventually a cure is found and things start to go back to normal. Our protagonist thinks she might be able to lead a normal life again but then the aliens show up. A spaceship shows up over the town and rains a creamy white fluid down. It kills everyone it touches.
Our protagonist lives out the rest of her life in her apartment, eating burritos and enjoying her fart shifters. I have no idea how she keeps getting the ingredients for these burritos but, let's face it, details aren't exactly important in a story like this. She tells us that she doesn't need anything in life other than Broody, Retriever and Mischievous and she'll never be lonely as long as they're around.
The book ends there.
So both Katie May and Sinclair Kelly are legitimate, published authors. This book was an April Fool's joke that they decided to share with the rest of us. May has a rather impressive list of “Why Choose” books and Kelly writes paranormal romance. I honestly might give both of them a try. As ridiculous as this book was, it was well written and there were no glaring mistakes. That's more than we usually get on this blog.
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