**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities. It is meant to be read by adults only.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Back again with another multi-book blog. I hope you’re prepared because we have a lot of random sentient objects in this one. Clutch those pearls, y’all, because here we go!
Tag Line: None
Book Description: He was the first man to ever turn me on. When he flipped my switch and lit me up that first time, I knew he was it for me. There would never be another. It was unfortunate, then, that he didn’t even notice me. Sure, he appreciated my usefulness but he never really saw me when he was using me. To him, I was just another tool. Before you get too hard on him, though, I should tell you something about myself. Something important. I am a lamp. Yes, you read that right. A lamp.
This book was published in 2024 and this is my first time reading it. I think it’s my first time reading this author but I’m not going to fact check that. Someone in one of my book groups read a book about a sentient….ahem….baby batter blaster (if you know what I mean) by this author and when I looked them up, I found this. The cover isn’t my jam. I really don’t like covers with real people on them. I guess it sets our expectations though.
The author provides trigger warnings. They include: explicit sexual activity with inanimate objects, substance abuse, drunken behavior, and dangerous activity with electric objects. You know the drill. If any of these will steal your peace, skip this one.
The author also advises you not to try this at home. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell any of my readers this. And if I do…..please don’t tell me. I don’t need to know that. What’s wrong with you?
We begin with Lux. The lamp. He describes himself as a “studio design task light made of aluminum alloy featuring a weighted base, an adjustable arm with external springs and 360-degree rotating head”. I’ve had one of those before. They get really hot when you turn them on.
Lux explains that he was zapped into existence when the house got struck by lightning. Specifically “Thor’s lightning” so I guess we’ve got another ‘made by the gods’ thing going on. Lux can see, hear and move around. He doesn’t immediately die when unplugged either. I wonder if his human thinks the house is haunted. I probably would if my lamp was moving around and wouldn’t turn off when I unplugged it.
Ha! I just read the next sentence and Lux says he freaked out the first woman who owned him and she gave him away. That just proves I type these things as I read them. I guess she assumed the lamp was haunted and not the entire house. Lux ended up at a thrift store and eventually “went black” because he was unplugged for so long. I guess it’s like an extended sleep.
Lux woke up again when he was plugged in by Jake. Initially Lux was plugged into a living room outlet and he hated it. Jake lived with three roommates in off-campus housing and the other guys tended to be rough when they “flicked his switch” and were careless with footballs. Eventually Jake claimed the lamp and took it into his room to use at his desk. Unlike the others, Jake is gentle with the switches and never leaves Lux turned on for too long. Lux likes to watch Jake draw. In particular, he really likes to watch Jake’s hands. I can relate. I tend to watch people’s hands too.
We switch over to Jake. He’s in the process of….ahem…..waxing his carrot (if you know what I mean). It seems to be out of necessity rather than anything else. There was some kind of beer pong game involved where one of his roommates dropped some random pills in the cups instead of filling them with beer and they had to ingest said pill if they made their shot.
Um.
Yeah, don’t do this, y’all. This sounds incredibly dangerous. Yikes.
The pills varied – sleeping pills, uppers, downers, hallucinogens and…..you guessed it…..Viagra. I bet you know which one Jake ingested. He tells us that his….ahem….prairie dog (if you know what I mean) immediately popped out of it’s hole and it won’t go back down. He’s crossed the finish line four times and there’s still no relief.
I know this isn’t a serious blog but I feel like I have to point out that Viagra doesn’t really work that way. It doesn’t give you an erection. You still have to actually get aroused all on your own in order for the Viagra to have any effect at all. It just increases the blood flow down there so you can get harder. Priapism (which is kind of what he’s describing) is a very rare side effect and isn’t really helped by stimulation. So none of this is accurate and shouldn’t be taken as such. Not that you would. Nothing in this particular blog is accurate.
Jake limps across the finish line again but nothing changes. A voice out of nowhere says “I could help you with that” and he thinks he’s hallucinating from all the fluid loss. He turns toward the voice and realizes it’s coming from his lamp. Not only is it talking, it’s moving. It again offers to help him with "that" and turns it’s light on Jake's….ahem….crank shaft (if you know what I mean). Jake grabs his phone and looks up the side effects of Viagra.
I would probably do the same damn thing.
Not that I'd ever take some random pill at a party.
Lux starts hopping toward him. He comments that he’s never seen Jake so hard before and Jake is a little freaked out that his lamp has been watching him. He calls Lux “creepy and weird” but then just surrenders to everything because he’s in so much agony. Lux tells Jake to wrap his cord around the problem area. Jake does because his arm is worn out and this sounds better than nothing.
Jake yanks the cord out of the wall and Lux asks him to be gentle. Jake wraps the cord around his….ahem….light pole (if you know what I mean) and then just leans back.
We’re back with Lux. He tightens his cord around Jake and then pushes electricity down it so it turns warm and vibrates. Lux drags Jake across the finish line one more time and apparently that’s enough. Jake laughs and unwinds the cord before leaving the room.
He’s not even going to cuddle? What an asshole. Lux is devastated.
I feel bad for a lamp.
This blog is ruining me.
Back with the asshole. He can’t look at the lamp without feeling embarrassed about his “deranged hallucination”. He has a project due for art class so he finally plugs it back in a week later but it won’t turn on. He’s trying to figure out if he shorted it out when he….ahem….erupted his volcano all over it (if you know what I mean). He’s frustrated because he needs to do his homework so he growls “what is wrong with you” at it. Suddenly it moves so it’s facing him and asks “what the hell is wrong with you?” in return.
Lux tells Jake that he’s tired of being used and Jake freaks out. He thinks he’s having some kind of mental breakdown because of the stress of school. He takes off and heads to the bar with his roommates to get himself plastered.
Because that fixes hallucinations, right?
We skip to a few hours later. Jake and his roommate Evan are back home. Jake makes a pass at him but Evan turns him down because he’s so drunk.
Evan is my new favorite person.
Evan leaves….no, Evan, come back!!!!….and Jake crawls into bed. He hears a voice call him pathetic from his desk but he ignores it. Lux chastises him for going out and getting drunk when he has work to do and Jake gets all defensive about his life choices. Jake tells Lux that he sounds like a jealous girlfriend and they get into a little bit of an argument.
Dude’s arguing with his lamp. It really might be time to rethink things.
Lux ends up calling him a “cabbage head” which is just the weirdest insult I’ve ever heard. Lux IS an adult lamp, right?
I can’t believe I’m literally over here trying to decide if the lamp is of age.
Anyway…..
We skip ahead another week. Jake can’t get Lux to work and he keeps finding it in odd places. He finally accepts the fact that Lux is sentient and apologizes to him for being a jerk. He strokes Lux’s “arm” to comfort him and Lux quivers. He says “keep doing that and I might forgive you” so Jake complies. He basically jacks off his lamp and gets really turned on doing it. Lux tells him to do the cord thing again and Jake is all for it. They both…..ahem…..fire their cannons (if you know what I mean).
Lux realizes it was unreasonable of him to just expect Jake to accept him immediately. He forgives him. He asks Jake to pick him up and take him to bed. Jake does, shucking all his clothes in the process. He complains about Lux’s light shining in his eyes so Lux asks him to remove the bulb. Jake does. Lux asks him to suck his bulb (and that’s not even a euphemism) and, for the first time, Jake hesitates. He wisely says that sticking glass in his mouth doesn’t feel safe and Lux replies with: “Baby, I’m a hopping, talking lamp. I am infused with the power of Thor. My glass is unbreakable.”
Okay then.
Jake puts the bulb in his mouth and Lux rewards him by putting Jake’s….ahem….lightsaber (if you know what I mean) into his socket. I would find this way more alarming that the bulb thing but apparently Jake is past the point of worrying about his safety. Apparently the socket vibrates too. Jake is really enjoying himself when Thor appears in the room.
We’re back in Jake’s head and he’s reasonably freaked out by the god’s appearance. Thor says he’s been looking for Lux because Lux shouldn’t exist. Jake can feel Lux shake in fear and he immediately grabs him and holds him tight. He tells Thor that Lux belongs to him and no one is going to take him. Thor seems amused at his protectiveness. Both Lux and Jake try to convince Thor that Lux is an actual being with thoughts and feelings. Jake even gets upset when Thor refers to Lux as a lamp, saying that he is a person.
Thor tells them that it’s never good when an object becomes sentient and he needs to fix his mistake. They plead with him and he relents. He takes Lux into his hands and then a blinding light fills the room. When Jake can see again, Thor is gone but a man stands in his place. Jake realizes the man is Lux and he grabs him up in a big hug.
Back in Lux’s head. Thor provides him with an identity, some money and an apartment. He enrolls in college to get an electrical engineering degree. Jake moves him with him and Lux tells us that they have a “happily for now” thing going on. He’s determined to enjoy the life he’s been given.
You know, I like that there’s acknowledgment that this might not be a HEA. I think Lux deserves better than Jake to be honest.
That one wasn’t bad. It was pretty well written for one of these books.
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On to the next.
Tag Line: None
Book Description: I work grave shift and love enjoying an ice cold energy drink on my breaks. But what happens when my energy drink wants to enjoy me too?
This book was published in 2025 and this is my first time reading it. It’s definitely my first time reading this author as well. This one was suggested to me by Amazon because of the lamp book. My recommendations are fucked, y’all. The cover is hilarious. Why does he have so many pull tabs?
The author doesn’t provide any trigger warnings. I’ll come back and add them if needed.
We begin with our protagonist going to get an energy drink to help her get through her night shift. There’s a new flavor in the machine and all of her co-workers seem to love it so that’s the one she goes with. As soon as she cracks it open, all other sounds cease. All she can hear is the fizzing of the drink in the can. She goes out into the hall and calls for her co-workers but no one answers. She shrugs it off thinking she’s just half-asleep.
As she takes her first drink she thinks she hears the can moan. It instantly starts her faucets running (if you know what I mean). She takes another sip and hears the moan again. The can starts to vibrate. Startled, she puts it on the table and backs away from it. It stops moving and she reasons with herself that it must have gotten all shaken up in the machine. She goes to pick it back up but it’s stuck to the table. She yanks on it and liquid shoots out of it and goes all over her.
She wipes the goo from her eyes and is surprised to see her can is now a “giant sentient energy drink can” with a six-pack of cans tops for his abs and a shiny aluminum body. He introduces himself as Sparky and says “Don’t get all shy now, baby. You just made me pop my top and I know you already made a mess in your panties.”
Charming.
He kisses her and she tells us that his mouth is cold and tastes like the can’s contents. I’m assuming she means the actual energy drink here and not….well, whatever. They make out and he pins her up against the wall. She has her legs around his….well, can I guess. I’m trying to figure out how that’s working. I mean, she described him as giant so how the hell is she getting her legs around him? And he’s aluminum, so how the hell is she not just sliding right off?
I may be thinking about this too much. This blog isn't about thinking. It's about the vibes.
She feels an odd sensation in her forehead and realizes she’s spouted horns. She says “I thought you were supposed to give me wings” and he replies “That’s the other guys. I give you horns because I make you horny”.
She feels something poking her and asks what it is. He replies “That, my beautiful girl, is my canhood”.
So. His...ahem...canhood is an actual can of energy drink that comes out of his “penis spot”. For the record, I didn’t call it a penis spot. The author legit wrote that in her book. Our unnamed protagonist worries that it’s not going to fit because duh. He says it will. It’s also ice cold, by the way, so nothing about this sounds pleasant.
She immediately gets on her knees and begins to ahem….obey Obama (if you know what I mean).
Um.
Hold on.
There’s no fucking way, right?
Right?
Did I just try to fit a can of pop into my mouth? Yes, yes I did. Never say I don’t do my research for y’all.
Did it fit? No. No, it did not. Not even close. I’m sure there are some people out there that can fit a pop can in their mouth but it can’t be comfortable.
Of course, Sparky is an energy drink and sometimes energy drink cans are smaller around than pop cans. Give me a minute. Off I go again.
Okay, from what I found on Google, a standard pop can has a circumference (not length) of about 8.2 inches. Monster energy drinks are similar in size but some cans of Red Bull have a circumference of 7 inches. I had to do the actual math y’all. So it’s a little smaller but I’m still thinking your average person is not going to be deep throating this.
She refers to it as “fizzy felatio” by the way. She didn’t even spell it right.
He finishes and it’s just energy drink that shoots out. That’s fine for the mouth and all but she’s risking a serious yeast infection if she gets that stuff anywhere else.
He bends her over a table and tells her to get ready for “the Sparky Schlong”.
Even worse, our protagonist calls it “metal meat”.
They finish and then sit around and talk for hours. She asks him how long he can stay and he says he doesn’t know. She checks the date on the top of the can and is dismayed to find out he expires in five minutes. She cries. He promises to try to come back to her and tells her to check the machine. If she finds another light blue can in the machine, it will be him coming back to her. She closes her eyes. When she opens them, she’s still in the break room but there are co-workers sitting at the various tables and she can hear sounds again.
Weeks pass. She keeps checking the machine but Sparky doesn’t reappear. Finally on a random Friday she checks and there’s a light blue can inside. She buys it and pops the top.
We learn that Sparky isn’t really a can. He’s some kind of spirit that likes to possess inanimate objects and he can turn our protagonist into one too. She’s game because she finds being a human lame.
The epilogue tells us that they always try to possess pairs of things so they can fuck people together. So far they’ve possessed salt and pepper shakers, shoes and a set of wine glasses. They’re having a lot of fun and are madly in love.
The book ends there. This one wasn’t as good as the last one. There were a lot of errors in it and I found Sparky to be pretty repulsive.
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Tag Line: None
Book Description: None
I’m going in blind, y’all. I don't think I've ever come across a recently published book with no description at all. I assume it’s about paper towels because there’s paper towels on the cover but who knows.
This book was published in 2025 and this is my first time reading it. Also my first time with this author. The cover is nothing special. I like the plaid.
{{{Note from future me: I’m not recapping this book. There was dub-con and non-con in here without a trigger warning. This author is now on my ‘do not read’ list because she obvious doesn’t care about her readers’ well being.}}}
Negative infinity stars.
Tag Line: None
Book Description: Rule number one: Don’t leave a writing deadline until the last minute. She’s written 69 spicy scenes, and now has a severe case of writer’s block. What’s a romance writer to do? Get away on a writing retreat and try out an old typewriter she found in the cabin she’s renting, of course. But the caps lock key is stuck, and all she gets are capital letters. Letters that aren’t content to stay on the page.
This book was published in 2025 and this is my first time reading it. The cover is really cute. I’m hoping for good things with this one.
We begin with our protagonist having an erotic dream about a wolf shifter. She wakes up just when it gets to the good part. Isn’t that always the case? It’s only 4:30 in the morning but she gets out of bed. It’s her last day in the cabin and she needs to write 20,000 words before she leaves. (Just for reference, this blog has a little over 3000 words so far.) She’s been at the retreat for five days and she’s only written 5000 words.
She describes the cabin for us – small and sparsely furnished – and then goes on and on about the kitchen. It’s closed off which she seems to prefer. I’m pretty sure nothing in this kitchen will be important later so I don’t know why the author is so focused on it. The cabin also has a “pretty, teal typewriter” that our protagonist hasn’t used. She’s been working on her laptop.
Well, working is a strong word.
One of the issues with writing on a laptop is that you can use said laptop to distract you from writing. And our protagonist does. She scrolls around and wonders why she isn’t getting any actual work done. We get a random flashback that tells us she started writing erotic novellas because of a book her then-boyfriend’s sister passed along. It was smutty and that inspired her to write smutty things.
Our girl decides to play around with the typewriter for a few minutes to see if that inspires her. She starts out by typing random words: "his hands, penis, vulva, cock". They’re all in caps. She tries pressing the caps lock button but nothing changes. Thinking something might be stuck, she leans over and blows on the keys. Three voices come all at once. One tells her to stop tickling. One tells her to keep going because it feels good. Another says “keep it up and I’ll never go back to lowercase”. She’s understandably freaked out.
She checks the entire cabin to see if someone is hiding inside it. Then she wonders if the five cups of coffee she’s downed are making her hallucinate. She decides to go back for a sixth cup and when she returns to the living room it’s filled with every letter of the alphabet. Some are tiny (hand-sized) while others are human sized. They all have faces. I can’t picture this at all so I'm just going to assume they look like the Letter People I learned about in kindergarten.
Various letters start talking to her and they always start their sentences with a word that begins with them. Like ‘M’ starts his sentence with ‘maybe’ and ‘C’ starts his with ‘can’. They tell her it’s “Caps Lock Day” (which is listed as both June 28 and October 22 for some reason when you look it up on Google) and that they’re there to help her with her writer’s block. ‘D’ asks for consent which is more than we got in the last book. She gives her consent and they all converge on her to….pleasure her I guess. ‘S’ asks her to establish a safe word and she picks ‘zebra’ which makes ‘Z’ very happy.
This is a weird one, y’all. They remind her to tap twice to stop in case her mouth is busy and she can’t speak. A lot of foreplay happens. ‘F’ is the one who eventually fucks her which makes sense. ‘G’ joins to get to her G-spot. She has a good time.
She eventually falls asleep and when she wakes up again, everything is normal. Not only that but it’s just after midnight which would seem to imply that everything was a dream since it was 4am before. She gets up and gets to work on her novella. She ends up writing the entire thing in one day and then goes to the cabin owner to buy the typewriter.
The next year is mostly dreary. The book she wrote at the cabin is a bestseller but the next one bombs. She has a series of failed relationships and she’s pretty miserable by the time June rolls around. She types “I WANT MY LETTERS BACK. WHERE ARE YOU? COME FUCK ME.” on the typewriter but nothing happens right away. She gets into bed to take a nap and then she hears footsteps.
This time it isn’t individual letters. “It’s a...person, made up of capital letters smashed into the shape of a human.” Oooooooooooooooooookay. I have no pictorial references for that. She recognizes words on the torso and arms: “DOMINANT, CARING, OBSESSED, PROTECTIVE, HOT, STRONG, SENSATIVE, THOUGHTFUL” along with the names of all the love interests from her books. Yes, the author spelled sensitive that way. Yes, it hurt me to type.
The area between the letter person's legs is smooth but it explains it can be anything that she wants it to be. It demonstrates by forming a penis and then changing it to a vulva and then changing it to tentacles. Multi-purpose. She asks where it’s been and it tells her that it can only come to her on Caps Lock day. I guess it picked the one in June. They have sex again with all it’s forms.
The next day our protagonist wakes up to find a mostly human man in her bed. Apparently the letters get to stay with her now. I wonder if he’ll get more normal looking over time or if she’s just going to have to keep him hidden in her apartment for the entire book. I’ll never know because it ends there.
This one wasn’t bad. I couldn’t really make sense of it but there was proper consent going on.
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Well, that’s it for this blog. I hope you enjoyed. Make sure you check all your lamps to see if they’ve been moving around and remember not to type in all caps on June 28 or October 22. And stay away from energy drinks. That guy was an asshole.
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