**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
It's summer. It's hot. No one has time to read a long ass blog. Here's a couple of quickies for you. Stay cool out there!
Tag Line: None
Book Description: When your new house has a laundry list of problems to tend to, the last thing you need is a literal laundry machine creature looming over you....or is it?
Trigger Warning: In both books, the protagonist grabs a handful of....ahem....cock-a-doodle-doo (if you know what I mean) without permission and before any kind of sexual encounter has been agreed to. Neither of the rooster owners mind but I just wanted to throw it out there in case it's something you might be sensitive to and want to skip.
This book was published in 2024 and this is my first time reading it. The cover is okay. I don't think the monster looks anything like what is described in the book but what the hell do I know? It's not like I can see it in my head. I just think it should look more like laundry. You'll see what I mean later.
We begin with our unnamed protagonist signing the papers to buy her first house. It needs a lot of work but she's confident she can fix it up. She's watched a lot of DIY and renovation videos on YouTube so she tells herself she can handle anything.
When she gets to the house, she realizes it's in worse shape than the inspection led her to believe. Does that mean she never looked at it herself? That seems dumb. Anyway, there's a broken pipe in the downstairs bathroom, rotting floorboards throughout and a strange smell up in the attic that she can't check out because she doesn't have a ladder tall enough to reach the opening. On the plus side, the previous owners left their washer and dryer so she doesn't need to spend any extra money on those.
No name, as I am forced to call her because Wilde won't tell me her name, is determined not to let anything get her down. She wants this house to be filled with nothing but positivity and love. She does a load of laundry and then collapses on the couch to watch some more YouTube reno videos. On her recommended page she sees a video on the importance of cleaning out your lint trap. As if on cue, her dryer starts to make funny noises.
No name leaps up from the couch and runs to the laundry room where she shuts off her dryer and pulls out the lint trap. There's some smoldering lint in the opening, so she grabs it and tries to yank it out. Not sure I'd grab smoldering lint with my bare hands but I guess No Name is a plucky bitch. As she's pulling, she hears a voice from the dryer say “Hey, stop! That's my cock!”
Okay, then.
No name is concerned that whoever the voice belongs to has a burning bagpipe (if you know what I mean) and she doesn't want any suffering in her new house. She immediately tells him to give her his hand so she can help him out of the lint trap.
Is this something she encounters often? Why is she just okay with this? I think I'd call the police if I heard a strange man talking from my dryer.
Or maybe my therapist.
A hand emerges that looks like it's made out of decades of lint. She grabs it and begins to pull. A humanoid form begins to slowly squeeze out of the narrow opening. It's made up of various laundry items and lint. The arms are mostly towels and the torso seems to be a bunch of shirts. No Name takes this all in stride like it's not the weirdest thing that's ever happened to her.
Maybe she does the 'srooms.
Lint ends up being massive. His....ahem.....vent hose (if you know what I mean) is still smoldering so No Name gets down on her knees to blow on it. Maybe she thought it would react like a candle but it's more like kindling. Seeing that there are now tiny flames along his tube sock (if you know what I mean), she spits on it and then rubs it in with her hand.
When she doesn't let go of his....ahem....linthood, he tells her she can release him if she wants to. She doesn't want to. He smells like lavender and laundry detergent and she leans closer to get a big whiff. His thermal fuse (if you know what I mean) seems to be made up of densely packed lint and it looks soft and fuzzy. She wonders what it will taste like.
I have to say, I've never had the urge to taste dryer lint before. Sure, it's soft sometimes and it smells good but I've never wanted to put it in my mouth.
Or anywhere else.
No Name does, though. She swallows him down and thinks this: “But regardless of how many clothes have been dried at his expense, I know he has at least one more load ready to go.”
I think “load” is one of my biggest ick words when it comes to this kind of scene.
In case you're wondering.....and I'm sure you're at the edge of your seat.....he tastes like lavender.
Do people eat lavender? She must or how would she know what it tastes like? I mean, I'm the wrong person to comment on this I guess because lavender gives me migraines but it doesn't look like it would taste good.
As she's Obeying Obama (if you know what I mean), she takes off her undies and just throws them directly in his face. Have a little respect, No Name. Maybe he's not into that.
Wilde gives us a rather stunning example of alliteration in this scene. “Running my hand across his flawless form forged from forgotten fabric.....” The rest of the sentence doesn't really matter. I just wanted to give Wilde credit for her wordplay.
Lint is all warm, like laundry fresh from the dryer and every time she touches him, she gets a static shock. She seems to enjoy the sensation but I would nope the fuck right out. I hate being shocked.
She pulls away from him before he finishes and he suggests they go somewhere comfortable. They're on the way to the couch but he stops. Vines of fabric come out of his hands, complete with little clothespins. To No Name's delight, they latch to the wall and form a sex swing. He puts her into it and starts to lick her. “His tongue miraculously soft like high-thread count sheets....” So she's basically getting licked by sheets.
That is not sexy. At all.
He finishes rubbing his sheet-tongue on her and “like a hammer driving home the final nail on a DIY renovation, he slams into {her} with precision.” Sir, she is not a buzzer and you are not about to win a million dollars. Slamming is unnecessary.
They both eventually.....arrive (if you know what I mean) and Wilde inflicts this horror on us: “I'm sweat soaked and sticky between my thighs, but his clothlike cum sops up all the fluids with it's microfiber magic.”
Excuse me, ma'am? What. The. Fuck.
It gets worse, if you can believe it. Not only is his satchel syrup (if you know what I mean) microfiber but it's also socks. Like socks come (ha!) out of there and land on her stomach when he pulls out. Girl, this entire scenario is some mega-infection waiting to happen.
No Name is completely blissed out and Lint tells her she should relax and rest up because he isn't the only surprise the house has in store for her. When she asks what he means, he vaguely mentions a leaky faucet, the broken floorboards and the smelly thing in the attic. I'm horrified imagining the splinters she's going to get from the floorboards but she seems content with her situation.
The book just ends there. We never fucking learned her name.
I feel like I need a shower and maybe some brain bleach. Here. I'll share.
I intended to read another Holly Wilde book (Taken by My TBR) but it included a trigger warning for self-harm so I decided to take care of myself and find a different book.
Tag Line: None
Book Description: When I wake up to find a mysterious....creature? Walking, talking skull-faced monster? Death? Yeah, he says he's Death so I'm gonna roll with it. I wake up and Death's leaning over me. But obviously this is all a dream, and he comes with the necessary parts – so I decide to make this dream a good one – a really good one.
Wow. That description was an absolute mess. I hope that's not how the entire book is going to read.
This book was published in 2024 and this is my first time reading it. The cover is okay. Nothing to talk about really. I got this one on a Stuff Your Kindle Day because I thought it might fit this blog. I hope I don't regret it. I also hope this protagonist gets a fucking name.
{{{Thirty seconds later.......}}}
She does and it's Dana! We begin with her trying to fall asleep. She's already taken two sleeping pills but they are not combating her insomnia. It's been weeks since she got a good night's sleep and it's starting to affect every part of her life. She even got fired earlier that day because she wasn't able to concentrate on her work. Frustrated, she takes a third sleeping pill and goes to the living room to watch some TV. She's mindlessly flipping through the channels when she starts to feel a weird pins-and-needles sensation spread throughout her entire body. It feels funny and she giggles. A voice says “that's not supposed to happen” and she opens her eyes to see a skeleton in front of her.
Most people would scream, but Dana has been praying for sleep for weeks so she's ecstatic because she assumes she's dreaming. She sticks her finger right in the skeleton's eye socket which he does not enjoy. She tries to stand but her legs don't work and the skeleton man has to grab her so she won't fall. She thanks him but then tells him that Halloween is her least favorite holiday and, since this is her dream, she wants him to change into an elf or an Easter bunny or something.
Death looms over her and she can see tiny blue lights flickering in his eye sockets. He tells her that she's not dreaming, she's dead, and he's here to collect her.
Dana just laughs at him. He gets kind of growly and tells her that she has to come with him. His deep voice turns her on and she asks if the dream is going to turn into a sex dream. At the mention of sex, Death takes a step away from her. He angrily tells her that using sex as a bargaining tool isn't going to work. She says he probably doesn't have a......ahem.....dangling participle (if you know what I mean) anyway. To prove it, she just grabs a handful of his skeletonhood.
Death growls at her again but he also moves his hips to stroke himself with her hand. She takes that as a hint and starts to give him a handy. He grabs her by the throat and asks if she thinks fucking him will save her life. “Do you think your pussy is that special?” he asks her. She points out that he's definitely aroused so he must think her pussy is pretty special.
She taunts him a little, still thinking this is a dream. She asks how she died if he's really Death. He says she had an undiagnosed heart condition.
So it wasn't the three sleeping pills that did her in?
He asks if she really “wants to fuck with death”. She definitely does. He picks her up and carries her into her bedroom. She tells us that he glides and he smells like sugar cookies. They phase through the door which just further convinces her that this is all a dream.
I mean, he's Death and you're essentially a ghost at this point, so.......
In case you're wondering, his....ahem....bonercoaster (if you know what I mean) is just a normal human one. Dana thinks that she's just not imaginative enough to conjure up something more unique. She keeps referring to it as his “meat” which I absolutely hate.
I can't believe I picked two books with the words 'load' and 'meat' in them. What are the odds? I guess I should be grateful we didn't get the hat trick of 'moist'.
He just gets right to the main event and starts doing his best impression of a jack hammer. She's bored. She calls a “time out” and tells him that this is her dream and he's not measuring up. He indignantly asks her what she means and she says some foreplay would have been nice. He looks embarrassed (I'm not sure how when he doesn't have a face or eyes) and says he didn't think she'd want him to touch her with his bony hands.
Dana wonders how much of him is bony and she does a little exploring under his cloak. His hands and wrists are bone but his arms are flesh. His head and neck are bone but his chest is flesh. I have no idea what that would look like but I doubt it's good. For some reason, this exploration is what finally makes Dana realize she isn't dreaming. She asks Death what's going to happen to her after they leave her apartment. He says another world awaits her but he doesn't know what that entails or whether it's good or bad. His job is just to escort her out of this realm and he doesn't know what happens next.
Dana freaks out a bit but it's not like it's his fault. He's just a worker, not management. Death says she has another choice. She can either go on to her next destination, whatever that is, or she can stay with him and be his. Dana feels like this is a big decision and she doesn't have a lot of info. She asks him if he's a demon, a spirit or a corpse. He shrugs and says he's just Death. He isn't evil so he isn't a demon and he was never alive so he isn't a spirit or a corpse. She isn't satisfied with this answer but, again, that's not his fault. He answered her honestly.
Death tells her that she can choose the afterlife and she'll forget any of this ever happened or she can stay with him and he'll cherish her for all eternity. Apparently 'cherish' was the right word because Dana immediately accepts the offer to stay with him.
They get back to the main event and he does a better job this time. They both enjoy it. He produces an absolute lake of...ahem....population paste (if you know what I mean) so he has to take her to the shower afterward to clean up. He starts to take her back to the bed and she freaks out because of all the goo on the sheets. To her surprise, the bedding is completely clean. Not only that, but her hair and body are completely dry despite the shower she just took. Death says that as soon as she agreed to stay with him, she entered another plane of existence. He made it look like her apartment so she'd be more comfortable.
So why did she need the shower then? If none of this is real?
Whatever.
They lay in bed together and plan their lives. He says that he goes all over the world to harvest souls so she'll get to see things she's never seen before. She's excited about that part because she's never been able to afford a vacation. They do the deed again and the book just ends there.
It was way better written than the description. I kind of enjoyed it. At least we knew everyone's name this time.
Well, that's going to do it for this blog. I hope you enjoyed the quick dip into the monster pool. Remember, clean those lint traps!!!
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