**This blog contains adult language and discussion of.....ahem.....adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: She was supposed to cure the coronavirus. Instead...she fell in love with it. Dr. Alexa Ashingtonford is part of a crack team of scientists tasked with finding the cure to the devastating coronavirus. Little did she know she would end up falling in love with it, in this steamy viral-erotica.
That blurb does not inspire confidence. Especially since the first line is just repeating the tag line and the last line is trash.
{{{Note from future me: I would like to know in what universe Alexa is considered to be a "crack scientist". I demand receipts.}}}
This book was published in 2020, naturally, and this is my first time reading it but I did watch a YouTube video about it by Amanda the Jedi (highly recommend her videos BTW). I'm looking forward to this one, y'all.
{{{Note from future me: you sweet summer child.}}}
We begin with our protagonist Dr Alexa Ashingtonford in the lab. She's looking at a test tube full of coronavirus and thinking of the power that's in her fingers. Alex is excited every time she touches the coronavirus tube. She sees it as a “pulsating erect penis” and it gives her a “tickle in her knickers”. She begins to caress her breasts as she holds it and then....um.....she tells us that she's so aroused that her panties “glide across her skin like a fat man on a water slide”. She's just about to put the test tube inside her when her colleague Dr Bob Gurtlychund walks into the room and interrupts her.
Wow. Page three, ya'll. We're only on page 3. By the way, the word “indeedily” was actually written in this book. And it wasn't even dialogue.
Alexa doesn't think Bob is her type but it's been so long since she's had the “feeling of a hot man-dog inside her lubricated pussy-bun” that she's thinking she might end up jumping him soon. The problem is, she's kind of pissed at him. They're developing a vaccine and she thinks the formula needs a little more covid to make the body properly produce antibodies for the virus. Bob doesn't listen to her because she has “huge boobies, a thicc ass and nice legs”. You know, because those attributes negate all scientific knowledge and training. If he truly thought she was too attractive to be intelligent, why would he have her on the team?
Bob thinks the vaccine they've developed is sufficient without extra covid. He's ready to submit it for trials but he needs Alexa to catalogue some samples or something. She's eager to do it because the sooner they find the cure, the sooner she can have a fat....ahem.....semen demon (if you know what I mean) in her hands again.
Wait. Aren't they working on a vaccine and not a cure? I mean if the vaccine works and everybody gets it, the disease will eventually be eradicated but it's not the same thing as a cure. Not really. A cure is given to a person who has the virus already and a vaccine is given to someone so they don't get the virus. Right?
Despite the fact that the results come out favorable and seem to indicate that they've found a proper vaccine, Alexa is still sure it needs more covid to work properly. She decides to take matters into her own hands and, no, it isn't a euphemism this time. I think. She goes to their prepared vaccines and then opens the test tube of coronavirus. She tells us “the creamy liquid bubbled and popped like a fresh bowl of Rice Krispies”. Um.....why? Why is it creamy and why does it make noise? She adds an extra drop to one of the vaccine samples and feels pretty proud of herself. I don't know why she thinks adding it to ONE of the vaccine samples is enough. Shouldn't she add it to all the samples? How is she going to prove it works if it's only in one of the samples? She won't know who that one sample goes to.
Bob comes in a little bit later and asks her if everything is ready. She says it is and that she'll write the medical council to get approval for a vaccine trial. Bob says he's skipping it and he injects himself with the vaccine that Alexa added the extra covid to. As he's vaccinating himself, he tells her that he's already infected with covid. Um.....again.....I hate to be all scientific here but vaccines are given before a person is infected to ensure that they don't get infected. What Bob needs is a cure which is not what they are developing here.
I don't think science is Edwards' strong point.
Alexa is a little freaked out because she and Bob haven't been wearing masks and social distancing in the lab. I don't know why since two of their colleagues have already died from the virus but whatever. Bob injects the vaccine and then falls to the floor. The lights flicker and wind whips around the lab shaking Alexa's boobs from side to side. Bob screams and the lights flash again. Suddenly everything is quiet.
Bob has disappeared and there's a giant, buff green man in his place. She describes his piercing eyes and his jaw that's as wide as the trunk of a car which seems alarmingly wide to me. How does he fit through doors? She tells us the tip of his....ahem....trouser snake (if you know what I mean) is peeking up above his belt line despite not being erect. This is just bad male anatomy. It doesn't face up when it's not happy, Edwards. He's covered in spike proteins which Alexa tells us are basically small bumps that make up a virus. She asks if Bob is still inside there somewhere and the green man replies that he consumed Bob and Bob no longer exists.
Alexa is confused (she's not the only one) and asks how this happened. Greenie basically tells her that since Bob already had covid in his system and since the vaccine contained too much additional covid in it, he was able to take over Bob. So it's all Alexa's fault and if they give her formula of vaccine to other people who have covid in their systems it will create an army of these sexy green men.
Is this a bad thing or a good thing?
Alexa tells Greenie not to come any closer but he says she's immune to him. She's an asymptomatic carrier and she's the one who infected everyone else in the lab. Good going, Alexa. She starts crying and Greenie wipes away her tear. {{{By the way, the author is referring to him as “the virus” but I refuse. I REFUSE.}}} She tells us her “clitoris floundered” at the touch and I don't even know what that fucking means. Do they do that?
Greenie pulls her close and she can feel his....ahem....disco stick (if you know what I mean) against her. She says it feels like “an arm without bones” because it's so “long and warm and fat”.
This book got published y'all.
She looks up into his eyes and notices they're “like a goat's but without the sideways pupils”. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? HOW CAN THEY BE LIKE A GOAT'S WITHOUT THE SIDEWAYS PUPILS??? WOULDN'T THAT JUST MAKE THEM EYES??? I'm seriously losing it here.
In case you're curious, we're 75% through this book already and only on page 12. Book is a strong word. This is a pamphlet, not a book.
A paragraph later they start kissing and she throws this in our face: “his tongue, so soft and hot, like a chunk of microwaved fish, sloshing around inside her mouth”. I think I just died a little. I definitely threw up in my mouth a little. I would struggle to write a less appealing description of kissing. I don't think one exists. I may never kiss anyone again.
So they start doing what you knew they were going to start doing. He chews off her bra and she tells us her breasts are like water balloons because that's sexy. Then she describes his....ahem....tickle pickle (if you know what I mean) as a balloon as well that's being filled with helium. Does Edwards have some balloon fetish she should have warned us about? They have some pre-fun and then he stuffs his “warbling member deep into her pocket of ecstasy”. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am and then he fills her with “love lotion” which just has to be the most disgusting euphemism for sperm that I've ever heard.
Greenie and Alexa remain in their “embracing embrace” for the rest of the evening. She is grateful that she's finally been “savaged vaginally” which is just such a poetic way to put it and then the book ends. It just ends. We don't know if Greenie is going to live a human life or if he's going to take over the world or if this was all some kind of hallucination. It just ends. It took me 30 minutes to read and I want my 30 minutes back.
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