**This blog contains adult language and discussion of adult...ahem....activities.**
Warning: Spoilers ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: It was her fault the virus got sent back to the nineteenth century in the first place. Now the only way to get close enough to destroy it is to court it. The only problem with that? She might be falling for it. Joan was never supposed to be working in a virus lab to begin with, so when she accidentally sends the virus hurtling through space and time, it's up to her to get it back. Finding the virus in the past isn't going to be the hard part, however, it's getting close to it....without getting too close.
This book was, of course, written in 2020 and this is my first time reading it. It only took me about 30 minutes to read so don't expect much from this recap. 😉
We begin with Joan. She's taking a lab course at some unnamed Ivy League College (press x to doubt) and one of her assignments is to work with Covid-19. She hates Covid because it “put an end to her ability to party like the little whore she was”. She also hates college and wishes she'd started an OnlyFans or become a Sugar Baby instead.
In some unprecedented act of coincidence, every single refrigerator on campus broke at the exact same time except Joan's.
Because of this, she has to store the only test tube of Covid the university currently has. This means she has to suit up in protective gear and carry it each morning from her dorm room to the lab. 😷 Which is what she's doing right now. The lab must be a REALLY long ways away from her dorm though, because when she finally reaches it, it's afternoon. Wow. That must be a really big campus.
Her supervisor in the lab is “a giant, beefcake of a man with a handlebar mustache” that she's super horny for. Joan is walking across the lab when she trips because “Joan, like all women, was prone to tripping”.
Sigh.
The test tube goes flying out of her hand and lands in a machine she's never noticed before. Everyone in the lab stops what they're doing and stares at her. She knows they're thinking she's a “WAP”, a “hoe” and a “THOT” because.....well, I don't know why she thinks they're thinking that. It doesn't really track. I think Taylor just wanted to prove how down with the lingo she is. #fellowkids It's very awkward.
A scrawny guy steps forward and tells her that she threw the virus into the hadron particle collider. Because, you know, every lab has one of those things just lying around gathering dust. He tells her that the HPC is also a time machine because that's how science works. When Joan expresses disbelief that such a thing exists, her supervisor calls her a “stupid sexy girl” and she's glad she's wearing panties or her.....ahem.....dew (if you know what I mean), might escape her flower and run down her legs.
Joan is informed that she threw the virus straight into the 1800's. One of them will have to go after it or it could really fuck things up. Joan is the one volunteered to go because the machine is small and she's the only one who can fit. Then we get this......
“At first, like a virginal cunt exposed to a truly massive dick, she didn't think she was going to fit.”
Wrath is going to be so proud of me for typing that word.
Eventually she wiggles her way through and ends up in a vast nothingness filled with colors. Don't ask me how nothingness can have colors because I didn't write this ish. She feels euphoric and I'm expecting an orgasm reference but I don't get it. After a bit in the colorful nothing, she gets spit out into a hay pile.
A farmer sighs across the way and Joan struggles to her feet. The farmer tells her that a green guy appeared in the exact same spot years ago and the town hasn't been right since. Joan is excited at the mention of the green man and asks the farmer if he has a name. The farmer says the green dude calls himself Count Covid and he lives in a huge house at the top of the hill. So apparently Joan was in the nothingness for awhile because Covid has been there for a long time.
The farmer starts telling her about plagues and fires and things that have happened since Covid's appearance but she doesn't care. She asks how she can meet Count Covid. Apparently he holds a ball every year and the ball happens to be that very night.
Joan tells the farmer that she intends to kill Covid and he is so desperate for Covid's reign of terror to end that he sells his meager belongings to buy her a dress to wear for the ball. She arrives at the big house and just waltzes in. No one tries to stop her because her melon-sized breasts are so high they are under her chin and I guess that's all people needed to be admitted into balls back in the 1800s. She sees Covid across the room and tells us that he's the most gorgeous specimen she's ever seen. His 8-pack is somehow visible through his clothes and he's so hot that she actually.....um....queefs.
Yeah. You read that right.
I don't even think that's humanly possible in this circumstance.
She spends the entire night eye-fucking the guy and telling us how horny she is. Finally she goes outside to get some air and he follows her. The first thing she tells us is that his “pocket rocket” (that's a direct quote, folks) is huge and visible through his thin pants. Are his clothes made of plastic wrap or what?
He recognizes her as the one who “liberated” him and tells her that he's been waiting for her to come after him. He built his empire to share with her. She tells him that she came to stop him but he tells her it's too late and that's enough for her to just start sucking on his finger. The girl just gave up immediately. Thanks, Joan. Since you didn't kill Corona, we're all in fucking quarantine.
Speaking of fucking........
You'll be interested to know that his....ahem.....ah, hell, I'll just use pocket rocket since Taylor did....his pocket rocket is also green. Also his tongue is green AND spiny. {{{Shudder}}} They have sex right there on the balcony with a ballroom full of people watching them. Afterwards, Joan decides not to go back to the present at all. Not that she actually knows how to go back anyway. She's going to stay and rule the kingdom with Count Corona.
SCREW YOU, JOAN!!!
Oh, right....Covid already did.
I'm super confused about where the "courting" came in. She didn't court him. She stared at him and then she let his pocket rocket blast off in her nebula. There was no courting at all. Did Taylor forget to put that part in???
So what do you think? Was Courting the Coronavirus better than Kissing the Coronavirus? I'm not sure. KTC pretty much made me laugh through the entire thing which is probably why it went so viral but CTC just felt.....cringey. Taylor was trying WAY too hard to be cool and it seriously gave me all the second-hand-embarrassment vibes.
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