**This blog contains adult language and discussion of....ahem....adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
Book Description: It's been eight months since a shocking lab incident claimed the lives of the world's top scientists tasked with finding the cure to Covid-19. Now with the vaccine program underway, Dr Kelly Cauldron is working round the clock to ensure the population are immunized against the deadly disease. The only problem is, it's getting in the way of her sex life. When a hunky patient enters her office to be vaccinated, Dr Kelly is horrified to discover he has already received a DOUBLE DOSE, But her horror turns to sexiness, when the man transforms into everything she could ever want - that is until a familiar face returns to throw the entire vaccination program into turmoil.
((Any spelling/grammatical errors in that book description are the author's, not mine.))
Since this is the second book in the series, I feel like I should review what happened in the first book. Except nothing much happened. Dr Alexa Ashingtonford was working on a vaccine when she accidentally caused a physical embodiment of Covid to manifest itself in her lab. And then it manifested itself in her vagina. More than once. The end.
The book description seems to imply that all the scientists died. Does this mean that Alexa is dead? I guess happily ever after isn't in the author's vocabulary. I'm not sure much is, to be honest.
So this book starts with this sentence:
“Dr Kelly Cauldron sniffed the hot-dog into her vagina, filling herself up with the fat sausage which she'd kept warm all morning in her thermos flask.”
Excuse me, Edwards???
She SNIFFFED it INTO her vagina???? Would you mind describing how that happened? I'm not asking for a visual aid or anything but a little help would be nice. I've never sniffed anything into anything in my life.
Oh, boy.
We're really in for it with this one, y'all.
In the second sentence, Kelly tells us that she was saving the “meat tube” for her lunch and this irrationally pisses me off. Tube implies that the thing is hollow. Hot dogs are not hollow. Anyway, she decided she needed to penetrate herself with it instead because administering vaccines makes her very, very horny. No, I don't know why. I guess it makes her feel powerful or something.
At the bottom of the next page, we get this gem:
“Dr Kelly was on the front line, injecting the vaccine into people's arms like she was a well-oiled cog in an ever weller-oiled machine.”
WELLER???
I am so irrationally angry. The word “weller” has destroyed my faith in humanity forever. Destroyed.
As Kelly is steering the pink canoe with her hot dog paddle.....if you know what I mean....she tells us that Alexa is missing, presumed dead as is Dr Gurtlychund. We know Dr G turned into the Covid thing so that makes sense but I'm assuming now that Alexa isn't dead and is merely off fucking the bumps off Covid for all eternity. She also tells us that she's really good at giving sloppy toppy if you know what I mean. I don't know what that has to do with anything but thanks for the information I guess.
This book is full of very harmful misinformation about the vaccine process that I'm not going to recap for the good of humanity. I think Edwards seriously needed to do some research.
Before Kelly can reach the stars, she's interrupted by her boss Dr Bilken Cherubs who screams at her so vigorously that her boobs bounce. I'm not sure I've ever achieved this feat but maybe I'm just bad at screaming. She tells Kelly to finish her lunch and get back to work. Kelly stores the hot dog inside her and goes back to work.
I'm sorry, what?
Well, that sounds like an infection origin story.
Kelly goes back to her office and calls up the next patient. His name is Bill Johnso (no, that's not a typo on my end) and he's gorgeous. She has him lay on the bed and then she takes out a syringe of the vaccine. She tells us it's cold “like a slither of Neptune.” A SLITHER. SLITHER. Fucking hell, Edwards, did you edit this piece of shit at all? The word you're probably looking for here is SLIVER.
After he's injected, Bill begins to feel funny. He tells Kelly that this is actually his second vaccine and she freaks out even though you're supposed to take two doses of the vaccine. (((RESEARCH, EDWARDS))) As she watches on in horror, Bill begins to morph into a much larger, much bluer being. He leaves his clothes in tatters like the incredible hulk so Kelly tells us....for science, of course....that his rooster is massive.
The Bill-thing tells her that his name is now Cure. Kelly immediately tells him that she'd like to lick his lollipop if you know what I mean. Our girl Kelly really knows how to break the ice. They end up 69-ing standing up with Kelly being held upside down. At least he removes the hot dog for her so that's one less thing for her to do later. They're just getting into it when Covid shows up, also very naked for some reason. Cure tries to assert his dominance and Kelly is sure that the two giant men are about to fight to the death over her.
But.
Instead they start making out. Covid clearly has no sense of self-preservation. Kelly watches them for a bit and then gets mad because they aren't paying her any attention. She stomps over to read them the riot act and I guess it works because they suddenly decide to focus on her instead. Cure takes the northern hemisphere while Covid...well, I'll just let Edwards tell you because I can't express it like she can.
“Covid had sex with her in the vagina.”
So poetic. So romantic. So unlike every other sentence in this book.
Covid and Cure continue to make out while they're doing that they're doing to Kelly's orifices. Cure licks one of Covid's spiny bits and Covid......erupts. Then Cure erupts. Then Kelly erupts. There was a whole lot of eruptions.
The book ends with Kelly telling us that one of them breathed in but never breathed out. Which sounds like someone died but I'm not sure which one. I'm going to guess Covid but who the hell knows.
So I have questions. Multiple.
How did Covid know to show up? They'd been vaccinating people for a long time and he hadn't minded up until that point. Was he somehow summoned by the creation of another being? If so, how did he get there so fast? And why didn't he have any clothes? Did he seriously wander through town without anyone being curious about the massive, naked, spiky, green man? Seems unlikely.
Also, if Covid is here, where the fuck is Alexa? Did he kill her? Is she at home raising tiny, spiky babies? Is she wearing clothes? More importantly, did she eat a hot dog for lunch?
So here are some of Edwards' euphemisms that I was subjected to during this story. She called semen “pre-children”. She called the vagina “passion groove (that's not a typo on my part), “uncooked mussel” (which is highly upsetting), “pink pocket”, and “clunge”. I'm not even sure what that last one is and I don't want to know.
I know it seems petty to complain about euphemisms when I use them myself. I maintain that I use them ironically and she was trying to use them seriously. There's a difference. Yes, there is. Stop arguing with me.
The end of the book tells us that Edwards is now living with her adult son due to her husband's infidelity. It makes no mention of the ferrets.
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