**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
So this blog is going to be a little different. I have four short and smutty Christmas books that I'm going to combine into one post. I figured it was better than breaking it up into four smaller posts. Hold on to your sleigh bells, y'all, because I think this is going to be a wild ride.
Elf'd By Ginger Kane
This book was published in 2021 and this is my first time reading it.
We begin with our protagonist Holly arriving home at her apartment. She tosses her keys onto a table but they slide off and end up under the fridge. It's the last straw for her after the day she's just had and she blurts out “Oh, elf me”. She's just been at a holiday party with her friends where they subjected her to hours of advice regarding her nonexistent love life. To top it off, they gave her a massive candy-cane striped, unicorn-horn shaped dildo as a gift which she found extremely embarrassing.
Hey, you should never look a free gift dildo in the mouth.
Um.....that didn't sound right.
Anyway, the dildo has a tiny elf clinging to the top of it. It's cute. A card attached reads: “Go Elf Yourself!” which is honestly just funny.
Holly has been alone for awhile. She isn't really interested in a long-term relationship but finds that random hook-ups tend to treat her with disrespect. Still, she doesn't need her friends teasing her about her dry spell and giving her bizarrely colored, weirdly shaped, fake dicks.
Holly takes off her pants leaving her in red and white striped panties and matching socks. She really goes all out for the holidays. She sits down to watch TV and tells herself that having a disrespectful fuck buddy is way worse than having no fuck buddy at all. She drinks some eggnog and watches a Christmas movie and unwinds from her mortifying day.
When the movie is over, Holly gets up to refill her eggnog. When she passes the table she realizes that both the elf and the 12” dildo are gone. Immediately she freaks out thinking someone may be in the apartment with her. She grabs a cast iron pan which isn't a bad choice of weapon and looks around. The only thing she finds is the elf sitting on the table where she tried to throw her keys. She stares at it for a few seconds wondering where the dildo is and the elf vanishes right in front of her eyes.
The elf reappears on the couch along with the dildo. Holly is beginning to suspect that the eggnog might have been expired. She wonders aloud if she's losing her mind and the elf tells her not to worry because “the holidays tend to make everyone a little crazy”.
The elf is now a man - a naked man with a powder blue body, black hair and long, pointy ears. Between his legs is an enormous, red and white striped.....ahem.....candy cane if you know what I mean. It's still unicorn-horn shaped and....ahem....eggnog, if you know what I mean, is dripping from the tip and running down the spirals.
I am unwell.
Holly asks him what the hell he is and he says he's an “Erect Licentious Fae” but he highly doubts she summoned him to chat. Holly says she didn't summon him at all. Apparently when she said “elf me” when she lost her keys, it summoned him. He gets all up in her face and this his spiral....ahem....icicle if you know what I mean....begins spinning.
It's spinning.
It's pointy and spinning.
This does not sound like a good time. That sounds like a drill bit.
Elfie tells her that she only has to say “Elf off” and he'll disappear. He warns her that she can't take it back if she says it out loud so there are no do-overs.
So they have sex. Here are the highlights: he has a sticky tongue (shudder) that tastes like cloves and oranges, his dick continues to spin, his...ahem...love juice if you know what I mean...tastes and smells like vanilla frosting (something for the plus column), he grows four more arms to hold her better, his eyes have swirling red and green lights in them, he grows candy striped ram horns on his head for some reason, and he literally says the words: “Much like Christmas, I only come once a year”.
So apparently Elfie can only be summoned once a year at the beginning of Yule and he only gets one night in his current form. He tells her to continue to....ahem....elf herself if you know what I mean, with the dildo during the year and he'll feel it. Then when next Yule rolls around, she can summon him again. It's the perfect non-committal relationship.
You know, I'm just realizing a sticky tongue and vanilla frosting cum probably aren't good for your vaginal flora. I bet it takes the entire year for her to clear up the infection she probably just got.
So that was Elf'd. The writing wasn't that bad on this and I feel like it sets a high bar. I mean, his dick spun, y'all.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐
Cum, Cookies and Cream by J.B. Carter
This book was published in 2023 and this is my first time reading it. I don't have high hopes based on that mess of a description. What does that last sentence even mean?
We begin with our protagonist Vik on the phone with his boyfriend Clark. Clark says that everything is too stressful right now and he thinks they should just break up. Vik accuses him of cheating but Clark denies it. Vik is pissed because he's spent the entire day making gingerbread since Clark wanted to build a gingerbread house. He accuses Clark again of fucking some guy at work and asks if the side-dude has a big dick. Clark hangs up on him.
Vik throws his phone against the wall in a rage. He spent a small fortune on the gingerbread house supplies because Clark wanted them and the asshole just dumps him five days before Christmas.
So he makes a gingerbread man with a thicc ass and a hole filled with frosting. Actual frosting. That wasn't a euphemism. When the gingerbread man is complete, Vik gets on the table and fucks it. To pieces.
By the way, the author uses the phrase “lap my gooch” to describe a blow job.
I have retired.
I have been informed that I cannot retire.
Have I mentioned that I hate it here?
Anyway, Vik fucks the cookie until he finishes, hence the title, and then he gets off the table covered in....well, the title. He hears the door open and then Clark comes in apologizing. Vik is standing there with cookie all over his....ahem....yule log if you know what I mean, and Clark is pouring out his heart about being scared to meet Vik's family so he panicked and ended things.
Vik is stunned. He realizes Clark was never cheating on him at all but he's still pissed. He tells Clark that he has to eat the mangled cookie to make it up to him. And Clark does. When he's done eating the giant cookie, Vik instructs him to clean off his....ahem....rolling pin if you know what I mean. Clark does that too and Vik forgives him. The book just abruptly ends there.
So.....that was a thing. I did not enjoy this one. Moving on.....
Rating: ⭐⭐ (It's more like 1.5 but you can't do that on Goodreads so I was generous and rounded up.)
Cookies 'N' Cream by Latrexa Nova
Well, that description just took us on a hell of a ride.
This book was published in 2021 and this is my first time reading it. I have a little PTSD when it comes to gingerbread from reading the last book, but we're just going to power through. It has to be better than that one. It can't possibly be worse.
We begin with our protagonist complaining because no one showed up for the Yule celebration in the woods last year. She figured The Horned One would at least come to give her a good dicking down but even he bailed on her. She decides she isn't even going to bother this year. As a witch, she's never really celebrated Christmas before, but her daughter, Tempest, is going to be doing so, so she decides to join in. She's hoping the festivities will lure Santa into her home and she can get dicked by him instead.
I wonder if she plays the Sims?
Tempest tells our still unnamed narrator that they need the cookies before midnight to leave out for Santa and then they'll get up early on Christmas morning to unwrap presents. Witchy is way behind on the cookies but doesn't let her daughter know. She says everything will be ready in time.
Hours later she has all the gingerbread men ready to go in the oven. She's cleaning up when she spills molasses all over her shirt. Someone picks that time to knock on her door and then just walk in. It's Anna Grace, her annoying neighbor. She has an attractive, dark-haired, tattooed man with her that she introduces as Flynn. AG seems amused at the mess Witchy has made of herself but Flynn immediately grabs a towel and starts to help her clean up.
AG gets jealous and pulls him away. Apparently she's married to someone named Bob but he's out of town so Flynn's been “keeping her company”. Witchy can tell that Flynn is interested in her and she's amused by AG's jealousy. She unbuttons her shirt on the pretense of taking it off to soak it before the stain sets in. Her entire chest is covered with the sticky goo so she whispers a spell to unstick it so she clean it off. Flynn leans in for a kiss and then we FINALLY learn Witchy's name when AG screams at her. It's Maeve, by the way.
Flynn and Maeve pull apart and he makes AG apologize to Maeve for yelling. Maeve wonders if they have a bit of a dom/sub dynamic going on. For some reason, she pivots entirely and asks AG if she'll help make the cookies for Tempest. AG agrees.
A snowstorm starts outside, trapping the three of them in the house.
They finish up a second batch of dough – which is far superior to the one Maeve made on her own – and AG is going to put the sheet of gingerbread men into the walk-in oven when she sees Maeve licking gingerbread off her finger. For some reason this makes her drop the tray of cookies and the sound gets Flynn's attention as well. Now they're both watching Maeve lick dough off her finger so she throws in a few moans to spice things up.
It's on like Donkey Kong. Flynn rushes forward to kiss her, ripping off her clothes. Maeve sees AG watching and can tell she's enjoying the show. Maeve figures it's a game the two of them must play together because AG isn't protesting. In fact, when Flynn drops to his knees to....ahem....go spelunking if you know what I mean, AG moans. Flynn instantly stands and goes to AG, telling her that she wasn't supposed to make a sound. I guess they planned this??? Or maybe it's just their standard operating procedure when they're with a third person.
Flynn makes AG take over at the cave entrance if you're getting my drift. Everyone's enjoying themselves when Flynn suddenly trips over his jeans and falls into the open oven. I guess it cooks by having a fire in the middle of it. Maeve hurriedly says a spell to turn off the oven but the door closes instead. She tries another spell as AG rushes to get some water to throw over the fire. Maeve opens the oven and finds that Flynn has been transformed into a life-sized gingerbread man.
I literally just read the words: “giant penis cookie, dripping with frosting”, y'all. These books are going to kill me.
The two women immediately start licking him. Apparently he tastes good. AG even takes a bite out of his shoulder which he seems to enjoy. They team up to lick away the icing of his pants so they can get to that cookie cock....
Oops. I forgot to use a euphemism there.
Oh, well.
AG continues to lick at the frosting that make up his tattoos while Maeve gets on her knees to obey Obama. When he finishes, it's cinnamon/vanilla frosting flavored. The two women can't get enough and are suddenly overcome with the urge to eat him....literally. Flynn panics and starts to “run, run as fast as he can.”
Neighbors watch from their windows as a half-naked Maeve and AG chase a six-foot-tall naked gingerbread man through the streets. Flynn just keeps shouting: “You can't catch me! I'm the gingerbread man!” They eventually lose him because he's too fast. Maeve magics some clothes on them and they laugh together over the absurdity of what just happened. AG admits that Bob isn't away on business – the two of them are actually divorced but she didn't want anyone to know.
AG asks what they're going to do about Flynn and Maeve tells her she'll do a finding spell and then another spell to return him to human form. AG wonders if he'll have a giant hunk taken out of his shoulder and no tattoos since she ate them.
That a very good question.
They find Flynn and Maeve does her spell to return him to human form. It works but he's still in the cookie shell so the two of them have to eat him free.
This is such a weird book.
Neighbors find them and are so drawn to the taste of the gingerbread that they start eating Flynn's shell away too. It turns into a giant orgy. Maeve tells us that a balanced diet consists of “a cock in each hand and a cunt in the mouth” so there's that. The orgy summons The Horned One and he joins in. When Maeve finishes, she screams: “God fuck us, everyone!”
I'm sure that's how it happened in The Christmas Carol.
The book ends with a recipe for Fucking Good Gingerbread (AKA Dickerdoodle) which is just hilarious. I think this may be the best one I've read so far. At least it redeemed gingerbread men in my eyes.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
O Cum All Ye Faithful by Lonely Woman and Veronica Vixen
Note: there were several typos in that description but I corrected them.
This book was published in 2017 and it's my first time reading it. There's an author's note at the beginning from Lonely Woman saying that she had a hard time writing this story because she hasn't had “vanilla sex” in a long time. It took Veronica Vixen to remind her that missionary can be fun. I....I don't know what to say about that. She's apparently written 24 other smutty Christmas stories. Dang, we could have made an advent calendar out of them. Oh, missed opportunities.
We begin with our protagonist John getting ready for a Christmas Eve church service. It's just starting to snow outside but the forecast calls for it to last well into the next day. John walks to the church only to find the parking lot empty. When he goes inside he finds the Pastor and his wife (Isaac and Gloria) alone in the sanctuary. Isaac tells him that the service was canceled. They apparently called everyone in the congregation but John had his phone on silent and missed it.
John asks why the service was canceled but before either of them can answer, the door opens and a woman comes in. Her name is Yvette and she's new to the church so they didn't have her contact information yet. Isaac tells them that they canceled the service because there's a winter storm approaching and they didn't want any of the congregation to get caught out in it.
John looks toward the window to see that the snow is coming down heavily now. Yvette mentions she walked as well so Gloria offers to make them some coffee before they venture back out to go home.
When Yvette takes off her coat, John realizes that she's a “bombshell” and he's desperate to ask her out. He asks her what brought her to their town and she says that she was widowed the year before and everything in her old place reminded her too much of her husband so she decided to start fresh somewhere else. John gives his condolences but adds that he's glad she picked their town so he was able to meet her. She seems charmed.
The four of them talk as they drink their coffee. Yvette asks Isaac when he became a pastor and he says it was just a few years ago. Before that, he and Gloria worked in the porn industry.
Well, I was not expecting that.
Gloria elaborates that it was mostly soft-core stuff and Yvette asks them if they did anything she would have seen them in. The entire conversation embarrasses John. He doesn't like it when Isaac and Gloria talk about their past. Isaac can tell he's uncomfortable and apologizes. Yvette does as well. She says that she and her husband had an open marriage and she sometimes forgets that other people aren't as comfortable with sexual things. John doesn't know what that means and Yvette has to explain. She says that they were also swingers and enjoyed having sex with other couples. John is a little scandalized.
Yvette thinks John is adorable and she kisses him. He likes it and offers to walk her home. She accepts. When they open the front door, there's a blizzard raging outside. They're all trapped. Then the power goes out because of course it does.
The women go about gathering anything that resembles a blanket and the men round up all the candles. They move to an interior room where it's a little warmer and set about to make a giant bed in the middle where they can share body heat. They make a nest out of curtains, towels and a few blankets and then huddle together to keep warm.
John is drifting off to sleep when he hears the sound of people kissing and realizes that Yvette and Gloria are making out. I'm sure this is breaking a few commandments. They get naked fast and Isaac joins in. The women lay down side by side and John figures he might as well jump in too. Isaac starts to have sex with his wife while Yvette grabs John's....ahem....Christmas pickle if you know what I mean, and begins obeying Obama. Afterwards they have sex as well.
When everyone finishes, Gloria tells John that she wants him to take a turn with her so she doesn't feel left out. John tells her he's down but he's going to need a few minutes. Then the book just ends.
This book was full of spelling errors, missing words and horrible grammar. Otherwise, it wasn't bad. The story was kinda interesting even though it was super short.
Rating: ⭐⭐
Well, I hoped you enjoyed this Holly Jolly Smutness. I might try to do it again next year if I remember.
Odds that I'll remember: 1%
Odds my manager will remember: 99%
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