**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
So I recently came across several very short smutty stories and I decided to combine a few of them into one recap for y'all. It made more sense than a series of VERY short blog entries. Happy reading!
Mating With Mallows by Nora Noodle
This book was published in 2024 and this is my first time reading it. The cover is kind of boring but it gets the point across.
We begin with our protagonist Cecilia who absolutely hates Peeps. I mean, I can relate. Until recently when they started developing some yummy special flavors, I hated them too. Her friend (and co-worker) Miranda is trying to get her to eat one for some reason. If she doesn't want to eat something, leave her alone. This is weird behavior. Cecilia tells us that it isn't just Peeps that she doesn't like – she hates sweet things in general – but they are at the top of her list. She hates how they stare at her and how they seem to be made of glitter. She calls them “evil” which......I'd watch that movie. Evil sentient Peeps on a murderous rampage? Sounds like fun to me.
Miranda throws a Peep at Cecilia for some reason and then they're joined in the cubicle by more co-workers (Todd and Anthony). Anthony says that Peeps taste better if you microwave them first and Cecilia has a flashback to the last time she ate a Peep. She was six-years-old and had just put one in her mouth when she heard her mom screaming from the next room. Candy hadn't tasted good since.
Later that night, Cecilia has nightmares. She considers talking to Miranda about her childhood trauma or even going back to therapy but she feels hopeless about the situation. The way she was talking I thought her dad died or something but it sounds like he ran off with his mistress and started a new life without Cecilia. So I don't know if that was the trauma or if we just haven't gotten to it yet.
{{{Note from future me: we never hear about anything else so I guess her deep trauma is about her dad cheating on her mom.}}}
We skip to Thursday. Cecilia is at the store trying to find something to eat for dinner. She decides that she needs to try some exposure therapy to cure her Peep nightmares so she grabs a box off the shelf and puts it in her cart.
Later that night she gets them out of the bag and opens up the package. She puts a pink one and a blue one on a plate and pops it into the microwave. Before the timer runs out, there's an explosion. She's knocked off her feet and she fears the worst but there's no fire and the microwave doesn't even seem to be damaged. Standing in her kitchen are.....well....I think I'll quote it.
“There, in the middle of my kitchen, stood two hulking marshmallows. No – to call them marshmallows would be an understatement. These hunks were anything but mere mallows. Standing at least six feet tall – not including the ears – dripping with muscles, coated in a fine dusting of neon sugar, were two incredibly sexy marshmallow bunny men.”
We're all going to hell aren't we?
One is pink and the other is blue of course. Pink admonishes her for leaving them in their package all night.
Speaking of their package.....it's huge of course. And....um....ready.
Blue says they've been waiting for years for her to choose them so they could know the “feel of her lips” and the “flick of her tongue”. That's all it takes for Cecilia to start sucking his finger. I mean, I usually shake hands when I first meet people but to each her own I guess. He tastes like a Peep but his flesh regenerates as she sucks it.
There's a sentence I've never written before.
Here's another one. Within seconds, Cecilia is begging them to peep her and this author says that they start doing “a choreographed Dance of the Sugar Plum Dicks”. That's......well, that's certainly an image.
Their skin feels powdery and sugary which just sounds like a sandpaper nightmare to me but she seems to enjoy it. They order her to kneel and then blindfold her. Without much preamble, they spit-roast her. She tells us that she's never been so full of marshmallow before. Then she uses the words “gelatinous tip” and “saccharine sex organs” and I'm deceased. 💀
This is a real book that got really published.
In case you're wondering, they....extrude (if you know what I mean)....marshmallow fluff. On the plus side, it probably tastes better than the human version, but on the negative side, it's probably going to give her one hell of a yeast infection.
They unblindfold her and do some aftercare – giving her a bath and putting her into her jammies. They all get into bed together and Cecilia tells us that she wants to keep her marshmallow men forever. I think they'll get stale but whatevs. The book ends with her contemplating microwaving the remaining two Peeps the next day. I think she should contemplate an appointment with a gyno stat.
So that's a thing that exists. Are any of you ever going to eat Peeps again?
Moving on.....
Claimed by a Coffee Mug by Shayla Storm
This book was published in 2022 and this is my first time reading it. On the Kindle, the cover is simply a coffee mug with a curl of steam coming out of the top. I definitely prefer it to whatever this cover is. I really hate covers with real people on them. It creeps me out for some reason.
We begin with our protagonist thrifting at her favorite store. She spies a coffee mug hiding behind a bunch of stuff on a shelf and reaches out to grab it for a closer look. As soon as her fingers touch the handle she feels a strange heat and a voice yells: “Release me now, you witch!” She drops it and steps back, looking all around. There's no one anywhere near her and no one is paying any attention to her at all. She's confused. She starts to leave but she really wants the mug. It looks like an early piece of primitive pottery and she's smitten with it.
Nora reaches out to grab it again and this time nothing happens. She holds it in her hands and gives it a closer look. As she's peering at the bottom she hears a voice telling her to “begone”. She suspects that some toy nearby is being triggered by something but when she looks at the mug again, she sees a pair of eyes looking back at her. Nora almost drops the mug but catches it at the last second.
The mug is clearly annoyed he says “You won't get away with this, Jacindabelle” which is just the most unhinged name ever. Nora is understandably confused and becomes even more so when he tells her that her disguise isn't fooling him. Something in her face must have clued him in because he asks her what year it is. She replies that it's 2022 and then puts him back on the shelf. She figures he's just some kind of new AI tech and she doesn't need a cranky coffee mug in her house shouting at her.
The mug is clearly as confused as she is. He introduces himself as Emerson Blackmore and then continues to question her. She's starting to get some weird looks from other shoppers, so she decides to just buy him. I'm unclear on whether the other people can hear him or if they just see her talking to a coffee mug. She purchases him and takes him out to his car. He complains the entire time about being in a bag.
When they get home, Nora sits him on a table and they talk. Emerson says he's from Great Britain and the year 1720. For some reason, Nora assumes he's always been a sentient mug. I....I don't think Nora is the brightest bulb in the chandelier, y'all. He says that he lived in a small village and a woman named Jacindabelle lived in the woods nearby. She lured children into the woods and most never came back. The ones who did never spoke again. Emerson and a group of men went to attack her but her magic was too strong. She killed most of the men but three of them were put under an evil spell and then sentenced to “sleep”. Emerson has been “asleep” since that day in 1720. Something about Nora's touch woke him up.
Nora asks if she's just supposed to believe he was cursed and he also thinks she's a little dumb because he says: “Is it easier to believe I was born this way, by my mug mother? To a long line of mugs?” I mean, seriously. Nora just laughs as if he's joking. I swear she has to be one of the dimmest protagonists we've ever had.
And that's saying something.
Nora tells Emerson that she has no idea how to help him because she's just a regular human with no powers. Then she just falls asleep? Why is she tired out of nowhere?
Nora sleeps for awhile and then wakes up horny for some reason and starts.....ahem.....grinding her beans if you know what I mean. She finishes and then realizes that Emerson was watching her the entire time. It's not like he could turn away. Dude is just a mug. Nora goes to make breakfast and he tells her to wash her hands first. That was genuinely funny.
After she eats, Nora gives Emerson a tour of the apartment, explaining modern appliances and technology to him. It's about as interesting as it sounds. Afterwards, he asks to be placed in a window so he can see the outside world.
Nora decides to call her best friend Leslie. She tells Leslie that she has a bit of a tricky situation going on and she could use some help. Her friend rushes right over. Nora tries to introduce Emerson to Leslie but it becomes immediately apparent that Leslie can't see Emerson's eyes and she can't hear his voice. She thinks Nora is having some kind of psychotic break and puts her to bed.
I'm kind of jealous of all Nora's naps, y'all.
The next day, Emerson asks her to take him on a walk. She's flummoxed for a few minutes but then puts him in a mesh bag and heads outside. As she walks, she talks to him, telling him about the neighborhood, etc. I can't imagine how unhinged this must look to people. Eventually they come to a little park and Nora sits down to take Emerson out of the bed. She asks him about his former life and it's super boring. Then he asks her to let him see the sky so she tips him over so he's facing up. Again, I can't help but wonder what this looks like to people watching.
They return home and Nora is all hot and sweaty from being outside. She puts Emerson on the bed and goes to take a bath but then she starts to feel bad because he must be bored being a coffee mug and all. So she invites him to join her. He isn't sure what she means so.....well, I'm going to quote this because it's.....special. “In one motion, I yanked my shirt up and over my head, revealing my breasts bulging over the top of my breasts.”
👀 They're doing what now?
I'm assuming she meant they were bulging over the top of her bra but who the hell knows.
She brings him in and sits him on the edge of the tub. Then she finishes taking off her clothes and smacks her own ass a few times. He seems to be into it. She gets into the tub and gets herself off again while he watches.
I read the weirdest books, y'all.
And you read a blog about me reading them.
I'm not sure what's worse. 😆
Nora and Emerson spend the rest of the day watching TV and talking. I'm so bored.
The next day, Leslie texts and invites Nora to brunch with the girls (Marissa, Stacey, and Jill). She puts Emerson in a tote bag and takes him with her so he won't be lonely. They meet at a coffee shop and chat for awhile. Nora is awkwardly holding her tote bag on her lap and the others notice and tease her about it. Things are semi okay until Nora spills some coffee on her pants. She rushes off to the bathroom to clean it off, leaving her tote bag at the table.
When she gets back, everyone is acting weird. They make excuses to leave pretty much immediately. Nora grabs her bag to leave and notices that it feels lighter than it should. When she looks inside, Emerson is gone.
Do I have to trigger warning this as a kidnapping? A mug-napping?
Nora asks the staff if a strange mug got taken into the kitchen but they have no idea what she's talking about. She wanders out onto the sidewalk screaming Emerson's name. She searches trash cans and benches and finally finds him on a bench down the road. She's so happy to see him that she hugs him. Again, what the hell does this look like to the rest of the world?
I know, I know. It's the wrong kind of coffee cup but it was the best I could do.
Emerson says that Leslie took him but he's sure she only did it out of concern for Nora. Nora asks how to break the curse but Emerson doesn't know. He suggests she use one of her modern devices to figure it out and I think Nora just got told to 'Google it' by a man who doesn't even know what Google is.
They go home and suddenly Nora is tired again out of nowhere. She should have her iron levels checked or something. She takes Emerson to bed with her and props him up against a pillow so he can watch TV while she sleeps. She wakes up horny again and he demands to be put between her legs so he can watch her....ahem....stir her latte (if you know what I mean). She's just getting into it when he suggests...um...humping him for want of a better description.
She's going to hump her coffee mug, y'all.
She falls asleep again afterwards. I guess he'll just stay....sticky.
Always clean your toys before you go to sleep. We don't need any infections.
The next day, Leslie shows up unexpectedly. She's heartbroken to see that Nora has the mug again. She tries to grab it to take it away from Nora and it ends up flying through the air. Nora screams out “I love you” just before it hits the floor. A blue light flashes and suddenly Emerson is a real man again. Leslie passes the fuck out from the shock.
Honestly, I would too.
Nora rushes over to kiss Emerson, grateful that he's hot and not fugly. He says that she must have broken the curse when she told him she loved him. They celebrate. He notices Leslie on the floor and is concerned but Nora tells him to forget about it. She wants to play with his handle. No, that's not one of mine. She really said it.
They fuck and the book ends.
This one really could have used an editor. There were A LOT of typos.
Moving on.
Banging My Birthday Bear by Holly Wilde
This book was published in 2024 and this is my first time reading it. The author says it's the first book in a series about Sentient Celebrations. The cover is, by far, my favorite.
We begin with our protagonist Mia celebrating her birthday with her friends Sarah and Anna. They present her with her present – a life-sized, muscular, anatomically correct teddy bear. It seems random but there's a backstory. One night in college, Mia was super drunk and tried to seduce her boyfriend who she thought was in bed with her. It turns out her boyfriend was passed out on the couch and Mia was trying to seduce a teddy bear. It's been a big joke between the three friends ever since. This bear is no joke, though. He's taller than the women, and sculpted with huge biceps, thighs and a six-pack. He's wearing tiny shorts that do little to disguise the fact that he's male.....and hung.
How much do you think a thing like this would cost? Because I'm thinking at least $1000. Mia's friends must really love her.
The three of them manage to get the bear to Mia's room and onto her bed. Sarah and Anna head off to continue drinking but Mia decides she's had enough. Besides, she has a little birthday tradition to complete before she falls asleep. Apparently Mia makes it a tradition to make herself.....ahem.....finish (if you know what I mean) on her birthday as a gift to herself.
She cuddles the bear, rubbing herself against it, but eventually curiosity gets the better of her and she climbs on top. Reaching around to position herself, her fingers encounters something hard and round. When she presses it, the bear comes to life. At first she thinks it's been pre-programmed to tell her 'Happy Birthday' but then he starts to respond to the things she's saying. She's startled and he apologizes for scaring her. He offers to help her complete her birthday tradition and she can't figure out how he knows about it.
Foreplay ensues. His....ahem....anatomy is referred to as his “bearhood” and his “velvet spear”. It's been a long time since I've seen the word velvet used unironically in one of these scenes. At one point he tells her to “feast” on him like birthday cake and that he's going to open her like a gift. Then we get this: “My tits are tracing hoops in the air, my nipples directing the gyrations like an air traffic controller every time they bounce.”
👀
Um.
What?
When he....finishes....he does so outside her body and.....well..... “My legs, stomach, tits, face and arms are buried under his cum as more tops me like icing on a cupcake.”
I need a shower. And maybe some brain bleach.
When she opens her eyes, the entire room is covered in the stuff and the bear is gone. The author describes her struggling to crawl out from under her “blanket of cum”.
I regret learning how to read.
The only thing left is a room full of.....stuffing.....and a small version of the teddy bear. I'm not sure how she's going to explain this to her friends tomorrow but she doesn't seem concerned. She kisses the tiny teddy and falls asleep.
Well, that's enough reading for me. See y'all next year or something.
But seriously, there's a preview for book two and somehow Sarah's name has changed to Michelle. That's a pretty big mistake. I hope it gets corrected in the actual book.
I had a couple more of these but this feels like a good stopping place. I have seven pages of notes which means it's blog-sized. I'll save the other two for a future blog. I hope you enjoyed your smutty May blog. I can only hope the next one isn't so traumatizing.
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