**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
I thought I'd do another multi-blog for you guys of some more random short smut I found on KU.
Airpeen by Holly Wilde
I feel like there's a word missing in that description. If you noticed it too, it's not my mistake. I copied directly from Goodreads.
This book was published in 2024 and this is my first time reading it. We've read Holly Wilde before, though. She wrote the book about the birthday bear that I recapped in the last blog. So we kind of know what we're getting into here. Also, the cover is kind of funny. I liked the bear one better but this one isn't bad.
Content Warnings: The author supplied content warnings for bondage, orgasm denial, double and triple penetration, choking and demeaning dirty talk.
We begin with our protagonist on an airplane (duh). This is her first time in the exclusive part of Sentient Air and she's amazed by how comfortable and roomy the seats are. A flight attendant overs her a complimentary drink and she orders wine before starting up her “steamy” audiobook. The book gets her going and she starts grinding against her seat which is just astounding behavior for a public place.
A voice over the intercom tells the passengers to fasten their seatbelts because there is turbulence ahead. Our protagonist barely even hears it because she's too busy grinding her way to.....ahem....her destination if you know what I mean. She's slipping her hand down her shirt when a voice from behind her says “Well, hi there, Passenger Princess.”
Noname McGee here looks all around and realizes that everyone's seat seems to be rocking. She can hear moans and groans from all over the cabin and the woman in the aisle across from her is getting her bare titties stroked by the arms of her seat. One of the seats further up unbolts itself from the floor and mounts a man doggy style right in the aisle.
This got weird fast.
Noname's seat calls her a “Sentient Exclusive virgin” and says there's no reason to be shy when she was just grinding on him a few seconds ago. She is irritated that he announced her inexperience to the entire cabin but I'm pretty sure no one is listening. Cushy tells her to recline and “chillax” which is just obnoxious and she wonders why she got stuck with a “cockpit”. That's not even a good insult, Wilde.
Cushy explains to her that the turbulence isn't real. They just tell the back of the plane that to explain all the rocking from the front of the plane due to the sentient seats. Then he laughs and says: “Talk about complimentary nuts, am I right, babe?”
At this point, I would ask to be moved to another seat.
Noname likes the alphahole personality so she immediately hops onboard with the experience. He immediately gives her boobies a “stern jiggle” and tells her to take off her shirt. I think I'd punch any person who sternly jiggled my boobs. That doesn't sound pleasant. While she's removing her clothing, the seat next to her introduces himself as Plush. Plush is the more romantic of the two while Cushy is lewd and crass.
While Cushy gropes her, Plush flirts with her. She finds the experience very stimulating. Then things get serious. Both seats unbolt themselves and hold Noname up so they can....ahem.....feast at her table if you know what I mean. Plush gets the entrance while Cushy takes the exit if you know what I mean. They keep going until she.....ahem.....comes in for a landing if you know what I mean.
Round two begins. Cushy says she's “ready for takeoff” and Plush declares that “her engines are fully fired up and ready to go”. They're both cringey as fuck.
So in case you're wondering.....and I know you are.....I'll just put this here.
“A soft sound of velcro ripping pulls my attention down between us. His seat cushion parts in the middle, the soft foam of the seat opening up like a storage compartment. Out of the spongy interior comes a miniature model of the airplane we're on. Only miniature isn't exactly the best word to describe the eleven inch form jutting out at me.”
Eleven inches is illegal. There's no need for that. It's unnecessary and just asking for an embarrassing trip to the ER. Also, if anyone ever came at me with anything airplane shaped, I'd run. There are WINGS on those things, people! WINGS.
Noname immediately wonders what kind of......ahem.....jet fuel if you know what I mean....will come out of the airplane. Also, instead of balls, they have twin engines that whir with excitement.
Oh, my god. It lights up too. When it gets super excited, the lights in the windows come on. I can't, y'all. And she calls it their “planehood”.
They both enter the hanger if you know what I mean. Again, Cushy takes the exit bay while Plush takes the entry bay. She enjoys it despite the fact that eleven inches x2 is ridiculous. Surprisingly, Plush is the hand-necklace-giving, degrading one. Cushy just spanks her with a tray table. I hope no one is going to eat on that later.
A third seat named Snug joins them and Noname gets sealed up airtight if you know what I mean. Before you know it, she's covered in “contrails” if you know what I mean.
Why does Noname get three seats? This feels unfair to the rest of the passengers.
The flight attendant passes out warm towels and tells everyone that it's time to get back into their seats to prepare for landing. Noname cleans up and gets dressed. The book ends with the plane coming in for a landing. For real, not euphemism-ically.
Well, that was something. I'm never going to be able to look at contrails again without imagining it's airplane.....ahem.....goo.
We never learned that woman's name.
Moving on.....
Seduced by the Pumpkin Spice Latte by Evelyn Cloves
This book was published in 2015 and this is my first time reading it. I don't think I've read anything by this author but a quick look at her Goodreads tells me that I'll probably be back for another one eventually. The cover is basic and not my favorite but at least it's not dumb looking.
We begin with our protagonist Melissa (she has a name!!!) waking up early. It's the first day of PSL season at Starbucks and she wants to get there before work. PSLs are Melissa's favorite thing after Taylor Swift.
Melissa is so excited about the idea of getting a PSL that she feels herself up, “enjoying her own naked form”. Good for you, girl. Get those need met.
After Melissa is finished enjoying herself, she gets dressed in the standard uniform of all white, 20-something, Swifite, PSL worshipping women in the fall: yoga pants, oversized cardigan layered over baggy t-shirt, three different scarves and Uggs. She puts her hair up in a messy bun (bet you didn't see that one coming) and takes off.
There's a line at Starbucks so Melissa scrolls Facebook while she waits in line. All of her friends are posting about PSLs as well and she feels smug because she's the only one who is actually in line to get one. When she reaches the front of the line she's so excited that she blurts out her order before the employee can even finish greeting her. The woman laughs and says she's excited about PSL season as well and then she winks at Melissa. Melissa decides the employee is flirting with her and she's flattered but not ready for another relationship. I mean, the girl didn't ask you to marry her, Melissa. She's just working for her tip. But Melissa is epic levels of cringe and she just tells the girl that she doesn't want to date anyone right now. The employee laughs and says she wasn't flirting with Melissa, she was just trying to convey how sexy PSLs are.
Well, that's weird.
Melissa is definitely bisexual because she also thinks the male employee who hands her the drink is hot. She takes a sip and instantly feels an attraction to her drink. Her body throbs. She is briefly concerned that she might be sexually attracted to a beverage but she pushes that pesky thought away. She looks around for a place to sit and the male employee gestures to a set of stairs. This Starbucks has an upper seating area with big windows and comfy chairs.
Melissa gets settled upstairs, nips tingling from the PSL, and takes a big sip. She moans as she swallows.
That sounded really dirty.
While she sips, she feels herself up again. Look, Melissa, I'm all for a little self-love but it's not something you do in a public place. Not only is that illegal, it's disrespectful to the people who did not consent to share this moment with you. Putting the lid on the cup to prevent spillage, Melissa begins to rub the warm cup over her boobs, her belly and her.....ahem.....kitty if you know what I mean. Slipping her hand in her pants, she....ahem....flicks the coffee bean if you know what I mean....while rubbing the cup against her. PSL spills out all over her but she doesn't care. She stops rubbing with the cup and starts drinking as she continues to pleasure herself. When she finishes the latte, she also finishes if you know what I mean.
Girl. Jail. Immediately.
When she finally recovers from her little coffee break, she realizes both employees are standing at the top of the stairs watching her while holding their own PSLs. She immediately apologizes but they tell her that they knew she was “special” when she came in. Melissa asks if they are going to ban her for “having sex with a Pumpkin Spice Latte” and they both come over to “stroke” her with their cups.
The girl says they're like Melissa, whatever that means. I guess they like Taylor Swift and Uggs. Suddenly they're kissing. The guy pours some PSL on Melissa's chest and it turns her on. She kisses the guy too. The girl pours some PSL on Melissa's yoga pants. This is all VERY weird. Melissa gets naked right there in Starbucks which is just asking for a charge. The girl focuses on Melissa's upper half while the guy gets her off with his hand. When she finishes, they dump their PSLs on her.
Aren't those hot?
Afterwards, Melissa asks what's happening to her and the girl explains that Melissa is a Pumpkin Spice-sexual. They are too and they recognized her as one of “their kind”. Is that like gay-dar? The girl says she's going to run downstairs and make a few more PSLs and then she'll be back for round two. The book just abruptly ends there.
This one was.....just weird. I don't know why I thought it was weirder than the first one but I did. Maybe the idea of pouring hot coffee all over yourself just made me cringe or maybe the public aspect bothered me. I don't know.
Also, who the hell was working while those two were being horny upstairs?
Let's move on......
The Deviled Egg Made Me Do It by Holly Wilde
I didn't even realize I'd picked two by Wilde.
This book was published in 2024 and this is my first time reading it but I kind of know what to expect by now from Wilde. The cover is amusing. I like her covers.
Content Warnings: The author provided warnings for anal play, leashing and pushing boundaries.
{{{Note from future me: I don't remember any leashing but maybe I skimmed over it?}}}
We begin with Shelby in the kitchen making deviled eggs for a brunch with her friends. She's having difficulty peeling the eggs and I relate. Luckily everything else in her life seems to be going well for her these days. She's even purchased her dream house in her dream neighborhood. She's lost in thought about how her curse has been lifted when she slices her thumb with an egg shell. I can relate to that too. I did that the last time I peeled eggs. She yells out “Fuck me! No, fuck you, egg!” and I'm sure those words won't have any effect on the story whatsoever.
Shelby cleans up the eggshells and then goes into the bathroom for a band-aid. When she returns to the kitchen, she's confused to find a giant eggshell in the sink. It's the size of a dinner plate which is weird because she wasn't using ostrich eggs. She hears a toilet flush down the hall and a man's voice saying: “Ahhh, fuck yeah. That feels better.” She grabs the eggshell to use as a weapon which just seems ridiculous. She's in a fucking kitchen. With knives and skillets and any number of things that would make a better weapon than an eggshell.
Also, didn't she just come out of the bathroom?
Suddenly, a “massive egg-man with horns” appears in the doorway. He casually walks over and takes the shell from her hands and then puts it onto the front of his body, hiding his “egghood”. Wilde just loves doing that to us. He compliments her house and she asks him to leave before her friends get there. He's excited about the idea of a party and starts rummaging through her fridge. He pulls out a beer and then goes searching for a bottle opener, leaving cabinets and drawers open. Shelby's eye starts twitching. She's more concerned about the mess than the weird egg man. Priorities, Shelby!
She asks him to leave again and he slaps her ass in response saying: “Damn, girl! You ass is so fine it jiggles even more than that weird jelly thing your aunt brings to holiday meals.” She's confused as to how he knows what her aunt brings to dinner and forgets to be insulted that he just assaulted her. Since he won't leave, she asks him to help her shell the rest of the eggs. That seems a little insensitive, Shelby, but I'll let it pass since he put his hands on you without permission. He does it for some reason and she's shocked to find that he's really good at removing egg shells.
As they work, she asks him his name. It's Damien because of course it is. Cliche. She decides he's handsome with his round face and full cheeks. He offers to show her how devilish he can be. She splashes water in his face. He throws her over his shoulder and then somehow splashes water in her face as well. I'm guess egg joints don't work like human joints.
Eventually he puts her down and she realizes her kitchen is now a mess and she's completely soaked and not in a sexy way. She starts to clean the water off the floor while he leers at her in an unhelpful manner. She's on the verge of tears when he gently takes the towel from her and offers to finish cleaning up. He gets all the water mopped up and then volunteers to go back and finish the eggs. She asks him how he manages to peel them so perfect and he pulls her in front of him to help her go through the motions. She finds it super sexy.
They end up kissing because of course they do. We know what kind of book we're in. Shelby tells us “his kiss is warm and salty, like creamy fresh mozzarella” and I consider that description a crime against my person. Damien picks her up and puts her on the counter. He....'suckles' her for want of a better word until her nips look like a “turkey timer”. This just keeps getting worse. He moves southward and begins his licking journey at the back door. I hate that I have to say this but.....you can go from front door to back door but NEVER go from back door to front door. Ever. It's an infection waiting to happen.
As Damien becomes aroused, the egg shell covering the area audibly cracks. He....unpeels himself....and his chest hair is green and smells like chives. His body is dyed like an Easter egg in swirls, stripes and zig zags of pink, yellow, green and blue. His....ahem....sausage link if you know what I mean....is horned, colorful, thick as a baguette and nearly as long. Nearly as long. How long is a baguette?
Hold here a minute.
I just did a metric fuck ton of research on baguettes and the average length is 23-26 inches. That's so illegal. They're also only 6 or so inches around. For reference, I can get my whole hand around that and my hands are teeny tiny. So long and skinny I guess.
So our dude also has a beaded tail. I bet I can predict where that's going.
Things commence. The baguette goes where you'd expect it to go and the tail goes the other route. They both engage in extremely cringey dirty talk that is polar opposite of sexy. When he gets super excited, his eyes turn red and “teeth, like knives, fill his sinister smile with evil eroticism” as he looks down at her like “he wants to murder her pussy”. Shelby compares the beads on this tail to eggs and tells us that she feels like she lays them and then sucks them back in with every movement.
I didn't need that in my life.
At one point, he flips her over but the location of his implements doesn't change and there's just no way this works unless his tail wraps around his baguette somehow. Details, Wilde. They're important. Otherwise we get taken out of the story because we're wondering how something works.
By the way, their safe word is “cluck cluck” and she definitely uses it. He respects it, which is nice to see.
His....ahem....filling if you know what I mean....is literally whipped egg yolk. It tastes like deviled egg filling and if this book ruins deviled eggs for me, I'm going to sue.
Shelby races off to shower and reapply her makeup. While she's gone, Damien not only cleans up the kitchen, he slices the ham and puts it on the table, uncorks the wine and finishes up the deviled eggs. I really hope he didn't contribute the filling himself.
Um. Never mind. “I look over and see Damien filling the last one with his secret sauce. Squeezing the tip of his cock, a charming little flower of filling swirls into the egg boat.” “The final touches have him reaching for my kitchen shears, which he uses to clip a bit of chives from the space just above his balls.”
Yeah. I may never eat deviled eggs again. DAMN YOU, WILDE!
Damien gets reshelled. I guess the cracked eggshell magically repairs itself or something.
Shelby's friends arrive and none of them bat an eye at the horned egg man sharing their table. They all rave about the deviled eggs and the freshness of the chives. :::gag::: One of her friends, Michelle, asks for the recipe and Damien says that it's his “secret sauce”. She asks if it's “nut based” and he says “I guess you could say it's something like that”. And then the book just ends.
I may be scarred for life.
The author's note refers to the author as “Holly no-explanation Wilde” and that's pretty accurate. This book does a lot of things but explaining itself isn't one of them.
Well, that wraps us up again. I hope you enjoyed the journey. I'm sorry about the deviled eggs.
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