**This blog contains adult language and description of...ahem...adult activities.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to have the story completely and utterly spoiled.
There was a monster-fucker stuff your kindle day recently and I picked up some weird ones. I figured I'd just do another multi-blog for y'all to showcase some of the stranger things I found. Buckle up and enjoy.
Freak-o-dile by Kel Bruem
This book was published in 2024 and it's only 24 pages long so I'm not expecting much. The cover is kind of hilarious. I like how the croc is coming out of his abs. There are no content warnings provided for this one, but future me says that there's consensual biting if you find that triggering.
We begin with Lola reminding herself out loud that she's not in the area for a vacation. Three times. You know, in case we were too stupid to understand her the first time. The place she's renting is near the beach and has a king-sized bed and a jacuzzi tub. I'm officially jealous. Mostly of the tub.
The time-share belongs to her boss and she's there because her apartment in Sydney is flooded. Her boss offered her time off but apparently Lola isn't good at taking time off. I can't relate.
She's just standing on the back patio repeating to herself that's not on vacation like a donut when she hears a man call out 'hello' from the front door. Lola instantly yells back that she's armed which isn't remotely true and seems like an excessive response to someone being at your front door. I mean, yeah, I hate it when people show up unannounced as well but I don't immediately threaten to kill them.
The man yells back that he's “legged” which has to be the worst dad joke ever perpetrated in a work of fiction. She brandishes a wicker nightstand and threatens him again as he walks around to the back porch to meet her. She immediately notes the “strangely patterned tattoo that stretched from his collar bone to the waist of his jeans, which Lola realized she was now inspecting for a bulge.”
Jeez, Lola. Maybe he needs the nightstand to protect himself from you.
Turns out, he was offered the use of the timeshare as well. Lola's boss very conveniently calls at that exact moment to tell her that a mistake was made and Lola's going to have to share the house with this stranger. The boss is under the impression that the other person is a female because they have a 'girls only' rule when it comes to the timeshare. The very male stranger drops to his knees and silently begs Lola not to bust him. For some reason she goes along with it and doesn't tell the boss that her temporary roommate doesn't possess a uterus. The man is so grateful that he hugs her around her waist.
Lola ends the call and the man smiles up at her with sharp teeth and glowing golden eyes. That's a weird fucking way to describe what we're supposed to believe is a human male. He thanks her and she tells him to let her go. When he does, she immediately falls on her ass. He helps her up and we finally get his name. Hogan. It's a little too on-the-nose considering Paul Hogan played Crocodile Dundee in the movies. Hogan tells her that he's in the area to deal with a personal matter but then he'll “be back out in the world, gnashing teeth and slapping water” which is a totally normal thing to say.
Hogan tells her that his “mate” threw him out and Lola kind of immediately assumes he's gay and got into a fight with his lover. Not sure where she got that from but we move. Hogan tells her that he doesn't care about “human gender” and that his mate was “the female who cared for our eggs.”
So I guess we're not going to try to be covert then. Cool cool.
Lola decides it's slang and he's a deadbeat dad. She's really bad at figuring things out. She accuses him of leaving his children and he says that's how it is with “his people”. The female always kicks out the male when the hatchlings get bigger to prevent violence. He says he was a “fabulous daddy” and then asks her if she wants to find out just how good he was. He then mentions that his preferences are reverse cowgirl and a little knot play.
Good to know, Hogan. Good to know.
Lola is super turned on but tells him that she's going upstairs to take a nap. As soon as she's in bed, she decides to deal with the situation herself, if you know what I mean. She's getting close to the finish line when she hears claws on the hardwood floors outside her room. It freaks her out enough that she stops what she's going to check it out. She opens the door to find a ten-foot crocodile on the floor outside her room. She screams and goes back in her room.
Before she can figure out what to do, Hogan calls out to her. She lets him in the room so the croc won't eat him. It's gone. She's panicked but then he tells her that he is the crocodile. She doesn't believe him, so he shifts to prove it.
Man, he's just out and proud. Good for him, I guess. Hope it doesn't backfire and land him in a lab someday.
Lola deadass faints.
She wakes up in bed fully clothed with Hogan nearby. He offers to leave if she wants but he'll also just fuck her if she'd rather do that. This dude just gets right to the point. She asks him if he's in the area to find a female and he says that there are certain times of the month that he finds it difficult to hold his human form. It has something to do with the tides. So he's going to spend a week as a crocodile. She asks if she'll be safe while he's in crocodile form and he assures her that he intends to mostly sunbathe.
Lola decides she should take advantage of Hogan's human form before he gets all scaly so they get right to it. At one point, Lola shouts out: “Chew on me you fucking weirdo”. If I were Hogan, I'd be insulted. Sounds a little species-ist to me.
To the author's credit, Hogan does several consent-checks as things are moving along. Since her “chew on me” wasn't very specific, he checks in with her several times as he increases the pressure of his jaws and teeth to see where her line is. He also lets her pick the position she's most comfortable in and gets the most pleasure from and lets her know before he.....ahem....releases his man chowder into her soup bowl (if you know what I mean) so she can choose whether to receive it or not. I appreciate it. Also, it turns out the 'tattoo' is actually crocodile skin and it extends down his body and over his...ahem...custard pump if you know what I mean.
Afterwards, she asks him how long he'll be a “dinosaur or whatever” and he responds with “bout a day, probably” which makes no fucking sense when he told her earlier that he'd spend a week as a crocodile.
The book pretty much ends there. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It was super short so there wasn't much room for character development or plot. I think it was a little inconsistent but I appreciated the effort to make sure the consent was informed and enthusiastic which tends to be missing in a lot of romance novels these day. For the consent, I give it five stars. For the writing, I give it one. So let's average it out, y'all.
🌟🌟🌟
On to the next.
Rumbling Rattlers by Elliot Ason
I feel like this author is allergic to commas.
This book was published in 2024 and is 37 pages long. The cover is kind of goofy and makes me wonder if he looks like that all the time. I guess we'll find out. The content warnings are listed as: Both implied and acted upon species prejudice, explicit open door scenes between a “monstrous” MMC and a human FMC, adult language, mentions of pain from medical conditions, jealous ex and corrupt governmental officials. Sounds pretty tame but you're in charge of your mental health here so proceed or not.
Yeah, never mind. This was a DNF. It was so boring I kept trying to fall asleep. Onto the next.
Handle Me by Unfortunate Reads
This book was published in 2024 and is about a man and a sentient hockey stick. Yeah, you read that right. I think the cover is kind of cute but I have no idea why the author is calling themselves 'Unfortunate Reads'. It doesn't really inspire confidence.
It can't be as bad as that lizard man book though. Let's give it a go.
We begin with Stick's point of view. It pretty much repeats the entire book description for us which is weird. Also, because this book is listed as a MM book, I'm going to use 'he' when referring to Stick. Just know that he's an actual hockey stick and not a human.
Stick enjoys it when Jace runs his hands over him. He knows that all players prep their sticks before a game but the way Jace touches him makes him feel special. Today, however, Jace seems rushed.
We immediately hop into Jace's head. He's late and he hates being late. He isn't going to have time to complete his pre-game ritual of “painstakingly retaping” his stick and that's fucking with his head. He believes in sticking to the pre-game rituals and he feels a “weird reverence” around prepping his stick.
I'm sure you do, Jace. I'm sure you do.
Jace never used to be attached to his equipment but then he got a new stick through a sponsorship deal and that all changed. He thinks his stick is gorgeous - “sleek black carbon fiber with a digital pattern in bright green and his name and number along the shaft.” I swear everything in this book sounds like an innuendo already.
Back with Stick. He's being taped up and he enjoys it way too much. The author spends two pages describing exactly how this hockey stick is taped and I couldn't possibly care any less than I do. All you need to know is that Stick likes it when Jace uses his thumbs
Back to Jace. The game is rough and he's tired and sore when he gets home. He leaves his gear in the car and starts to go inside but then an uneasy feeling settles over him. He looks back at the car and has the inescapable urge to bring his stick into the house with him. He makes a mental note to schedule an appointment with his therapist to discuss his apparent attachment to his hockey stick and then he goes back to get it and take it inside.
Jace realizes he's too wired to sleep and figures a good orgasm will help him relax and get ready for bed. He scrolls the Hub but can't decide on a category so he sends a “u up” text to one of the puck bunnies. She is, indeed, up and he sends her an unsolicited dick pic.
Sir.
No.
Sigh.
She sends him back a pic of her naked and humping a hockey stick. It gives him ideas.
We're back in Stick's head. He's never actually been in Jace's house before. Jace always keeps him in the garage. He's leaning against the wall watching Jace.....ahem.....Lone Rangering if you know what I mean. Stick wishes Jace was stroking him instead.
Eventually he gets his wish. Jace comes over and grabs him before getting completely naked. He strokes Stick for a bit and then goes to get some lube. After coating Stick's handle in lube, Jace sits down to....ahem....prepare for entry if you know what I mean. When he's good and stretched, he reaches for Stick and....well, I'm sure you can guess.
We land back in Jace's head as he fucks himself with his hockey stick. Suddenly he can hear Stick's voice in his head, encouraging him to keep going. Jace...arrives and then Stick inexplicably does as well. Apparently it's icy and Jace definitely feels it. Stunned, he stands up causing Stick to exit his body. He's staring at Stick in horror when he hears Stick's voice inside his head again saying he loves Jace. Jace immediately passes the fuck out.
When Jace comes to he asks Stick if he's alive. Stick confirms that he is. Jake thinks he's going insane and that's fair honestly. I'd assume the same thing if my hockey stick just came inside me.
That was the weirdest sentence I've ever typed.
Stick tells Jace that the fact that Jace can hear him telepathically means that they're mates. Jace freaks out and denies it but Stick explains that he was meant for Jace and Jace was meant for him. Jace tells Stick that he needs some time to process this and then he starts to do aftercare – taking off the tape and cleaning Stick off.
Stick ends up in the garage with the rest of the equipment again. Five days pass without Jace coming back for him. Stick becomes depressed. Finally Jace comes flying into the garage. He desperately tells Stick that he can't get him off his mind and he hasn't been able to....ahem....perform with anyone else. They have sex again and then the book abruptly ends.
I kind of wish there was more. I want to know how Stick ended up sentient and if there's a way to turn him into a live person like Door from the Unhinged book. Oh well.
There wasn't much to this one but the writing was pretty good. I'd rate it right in the middle.
🌟🌟🌟
Orc by Layla Fae
Considering how rough the writing was in that description, we might never be the same either.
This book was published in 2022 and this is my first time reading it. I'm pretty sure I've never read Layla Fae before but I did watch a BookTuber do a review on another of her books so I kind of know what we're in for. The cover is.....well......interesting. Sure wouldn't want to be reading this one in public. There were no trigger warnings but I'll throw a couple up here: fat shaming, mugging and a breeding kink.
Chapter one is titled 'The Demon' so buckle up I guess. The orcs are eating when the demon appears. Gurd tries to throw a knife at it but the knife goes right through it and hits Balzag instead. Ballsack gets pissed and jumps over the table to cave Girth's head in but Girth is faster and he bites Ballsack's arm. Ballsack immediately concedes the battle and goes off to tend his wounds. There's still a fucking demon standing on their dinner table but no one seems to care.
Girth goes over and takes a swipe at the demon because I guess he didn't learn anything from the first attempt. The demon isn't corporeal. Girth asks him who he is and the demon says Girth can call him Satan. This does not get the reaction that the demon had hoped for because the orcs don't know who Satan is.
The demon gets right to the point. He knows the orc species is dying out. A pandemic swept through their people not long ago. It barely affected the males but the females who managed to survive were left infertile. The demon promises to give the orcs females, food and riches in exchange for....a honeymoon? I guess the demon recently got married and wants to go on a honeymoon but he can't take time off work. He wants the orcs to go to his world to “fight, rape and pillage” so he can enjoy “the sweet fruits of love” with his new spouse.
This is already dumb.
Girth is suspicious but ends up agreeing because he doesn't want his species to go extinct.
We meet Karla next. She's waiting for her date to meet her by the river. And who is that date you ask? Girth. Apparently she met him in an online group for fans of orc romances. So basically a monster fucker book group. I'm in at least one of those. She thinks he's an orc cosplayer and gives us a description of his 'costume': “That mossy-muddy tone of his skin, tusks gleaming sharp and deadly, and those eyes, black but sparking with something – humor or passion.” They started talking and then talking led to Girth telling her that she's beautiful and offering to “fuck her into oblivion”. Apparently those words were enough to prompt her to meet this perfect stranger. By a river.
Protagonist who really should watch some Discovery ID? Check
Seriously. At least he won't have to go far to hide the body.
Karla can't believe a sexy cosplayer would be interested in her because she has actual curves and a few pimples.
Can I just take a second here to tell you how much I hate this? This author is very much making this character seem like a walking dumpster fire because she has big hips and pimples. We're supposed to believe these things make her so ugly that she hasn't dated in more than two years because regular human men can't stand the sight of her. Can we stop doing this please? People are reading these books and hearing that 'curves and pimples make you ugly and undateable' and then feeling bad about themselves. Please stop saying your characters are ugly or unattractive because they may weigh a little more or they might not have flawless skin. Someone out there reading your book probably looks like that character and now they feel ugly and unattractive. Don't bully your fucking readers!
Karla hears a commotion and realizes Girth is heading toward her. People are pointing and snapping pictures of him but he's ignoring them. He catches sight of Karla and starts to head her way. They introduce themselves and she notes that his voice is deep and “manlier than the manliest voice she'd ever heard.”
Profound.
Karla is impressed by his 'mask' and asks him how he makes it move like it's a real face. He's confused. Then she mentions that he's “inhumanly tall” and asks about his 'costume'. He's still confused and just grunts at her which makes her decide that she's talking too much and annoying him. Girl, you said three sentences. If he thinks three consecutive sentences is annoying, he's the one with a problem. But good on the author for telling readers that they're annoying if they try to have a conversation with a man.
Karla apologizes for talking too much even though she hasn't said that much and Girth just replies that he likes listening to her. She gets nervous because she's never dated a man who let her talk before. She asks him if they're going to dinner and he replies that he'll hunt for her. He pulls out an actual fucking battle ax that she assumes is a prop and says he'll go kill the quail on the other side of the river. She tells him that she's a vegetarian and he's confused again.
Girth laughs about this and says: “You are so beautiful. Hale and strong, with fecund hips and breasts fit for a goddess. And you don't eat meat? Impossible.” I want you to know that 104 people have highlighted that bit of dialogue on the Kindle. Why? No clue. I'd be more interested to know how many of them had to use the dictionary feature on the word 'fecund'. (It basically means she has birthing hips BTW.)
Karla is flattered but tells him that she doesn't want him to harm any animals on her behalf. He's confused yet again and asks how he can court her without hunting for her. She tells him that he can just buy her dinner and he steps closer to her. That's when she realizes he smells like pistachios.
I have to admit, I have no idea what pistachios smell like. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
Back with Girth. When the demon transported them into the human world, he gave them the ability to speak the language and the knowledge of how things worked (like computers, etc). He also told them to pretend to be cosplayers or “a Finnish metal band” to fit in. What the hell do Finnish metal bands look like? These dudes are green with tusks.
Girth discovers a TV and lucks into one of the Shrek movies. This convinces him that he could find a human female to love him.
Back with Karla already. She touches Girth's face and discovers that he's not actually wearing a mask. I'm truly surprised it took her this long to figure it out. She freaks out and runs from him. He chases her, yelling “You are mine” which is just lovely. She runs into a human and he steals her purse right there in the middle of an orc chase. Girth changes plans and runs after the mugger instead. Karla then runs after Girth to keep him from killing the mugger. Her boobs are “bouncing painfully” the entire time so she has to hold them down. This is oddly relatable.
Girth catches the mugger and Karla catches up to Girth. He asks her how she wants the man punished and vows to kill him in any number of ways if she asks. The mugger promptly pees his pants. She asks Girth to tie the mugger up and then go hide while she calls the police. Girth doesn't understand why he needs to hide but she tells him the police might question him and ask for ID. Girth shrugs and says he'll just kill the cops if they get too up in his business. Karla stomps her foot and says he can't kill anyone. Girth laughs and says he'll do as she ask but only if she'll marry him because he will obey no one but his bride.
Karla pretends to be outraged by this but the entire time she's thinking about Girth's....ahem....well, girth if you know what I mean. She wonders what it looks like and how it differs from human anatomy. Girth catches her checking out his....ahem....bald avenger if you know what I mean....and laughs. He says he'll let the mugger go if she agrees to stay and talk to him. She agrees because she really wants to know what he looks like under his clothes. Girth tells the mugger that if he ever steals another bag, Girth will hunt him down and gut him. The man runs off crying.
Because Karla is now super horny, she invites Girth to walk her home.
Back in Girth's head and back in time to when they first arrived on earth. Ballsack was the first to go out to find a female but all he got was pepper-sprayed. Girth told the others that they needed to figure out a strategy and he turned to the internet where he found communities of people sharing orc fantasies. That's where he met Karla.
Back to Karla and the present. She tells us that she had to get a big apartment so her big hips wouldn't knock into things as she moved around. Really, Fae? Was that even necessary? Let me answer for you...no. No, it was not. It added nothing to the story or the character at all. It was just you taking another dig at people who don't wear a size three.
Girth looks around and then moves the couch out of the way so they'll have plenty of room to fuck on the floor. He says he doesn't want to break any of her furniture. Karla immediately says she needs to vacuum first and she fucking does. What are we doing here? Girth watches her vacuum and then tells her that they'll also need a bucket. For some reason she has one. I guess a mopping bucket maybe? I don't know. I guess she doesn't believe in Swiffers. When she comes back with the bucket, Girth is totally naked in her living room.
In case you're wondering....Girth's fat, green crotch cobra (if you know what I mean) leaks “creamy green liquid”.
The...ahem....pre-goo also tastes like pistachios.
Karla immediately gets on her knees to #obeyObama. Girth pulls out at the last moment and shoots his pistachio cream into the bucket. There's a lot of it. Afterwards....do I want to quote this? I definitely don't want to figure out how to paraphrase it. Sigh. I'm sorry.
“Every time my seed finds it's way into your body, you become more and more fertile. It's been in your mouth. Soon, I'll plant some inside your pussy, and I'll even put some in your ass to make sure. Then, you'll be ready to be planted.”
#romantic
Karla thinks it's “thrilling to be commanded” but she's on the Pill. She tells him but he says it doesn't matter. She's “a damp patch of black earth eager to be planted”.
Oh, well, when you put it that way.
They have sex. Apparently something in Girth's goo (that Karla ingested as pre-goo while she was obeying Obama) makes it so her body can accept his considerable length. Okay. I don't care. He ends up making a mess of her entire apartment though. I wouldn't want to explain that to the landlord later.
Karla goes to take a bath to clean all the goo off her while Girth disposes of the ruined carpet. In the bathroom she discovers that Girth's goo has cured all her acne. She figures that he produces enough of it that they can probably rid the entire world of pimples.
With.....cum. She's going to cure pimples with cum.
Girth cleans the floors and the walls and they have sex again when she's done with her bath. I wonder why she bothered to get clean when she's just going to get covered again.
The book ends with an epilogue. Karla and her friend are planning to bottle up all of Girth's goo to market as a facial. Which is kind of hilarious. The demon appears too and yells at Girth for “spreading love instead of mayhem”. Girth is unconcerned. Karla tells the demon about her facial plans and he laughs and tells her to go ahead with it. After the public is hooked on it, his people will leak the true source of the product and that will cause mayhem enough.
The book ends there. I have no idea if Girth will stay on earth or if Karla will go wherever he's from. I don't really care either. I don't know either of these people well enough to think too long about their futures.
🌟🌟
Well, that's it for another multi-blog. I have a couple other books that will fit on this blog but they're longer and will probably get their own posts. For now, I guess I'll have to head back to Sweet Valley.
Sigh.
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